Charlie Sheen Not Dying This Week

Los Angeles – Rumors have been swirling in publications whose incomes rely on rumors, that troubled actor and obscenely paid sitcom star Charlie Sheen is going to have to answer for being a violent jack-ass this week.  Uh, we meant to say croak.

After his latest coke-fueled, hooker* harassing harangue a longtime “pal” told either RadarOnline or the NY Post (same difference), "Charlie Sheen is going to die this week."  We could not confirm whether or not this “pal” was his coke dealer.

His manager told Unsolicited Drivel that Sheen was "normal" and planned to pass out (nose) candy to trick-or-treaters last night.   When we asked about Charlie’s reaction to the report of his demise we were told, "Charlie looked at me like I was bat-shit crazy when I asked him your question.  Besides, everybody knows that if there were a nuclear holocaust, only Charlie and the cockroaches would be left standing.  In fact, we’re pretty sure he’s a reincarnation of a cockroach.  Think about it - that would explain a lot."

*Sorry, we meant to say porn star/dining companion.