Justin Bieber Haircut Causes Major Spike in Antidepressant Sales

New York – Teen sensation Justin Bieber cut his famous hair over the weekend live on TMZ in an effort to raise money for charity, but it’s already causing a huge backlash among his young female fans.  In fact, doctors across the U.S. say that they are being inundated with requests for antidepressants a result.

Huh?  That hair was supposedly sexy?

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with one distraught teen and she told us, “Yes, his hair was sexy!  I don’t even have pubes yet and I could still tell that!!!  It was sexy like Paul McCartney’s was in The Beatles, and even though I know I’ll never listen to Justin’s music while dropping acid when I grow up and go to college, that swinging, shining bowl cut was still my LIFE!!”

The teen’s self-involved father further added, “You would think since the kid was cutting his hair to benefit a charity for puppies and kitties, she would give a crap and cut him some slack, but you’d be wrong.  All the girls on her cheerleading squad are totally annihilated over this and threatening bulimia if they don't get to see their doctors for meds.  So,  I’ll guess be in touch with my broker this afternoon then to load up on shares of whichever unscrupulous pharmaceutical makes Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil and/or Cymbalta.  I bet we’ll see the biggest spike in happy pill sales since that cable TV jack-ass Jim Cramer told consumers the economic sky was falling back in the fall of ’08, and they actually believed him and subsequently made it a reality.”