Blagojevich's Hair Now to be Indicted

Chicago – Just a day after former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was convicted on corruption charges for trying to sell or trade President Barack Obama’s Senate seat, Unsolicited Drivel has learned exclusively that U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald is planning to indict the Governor’s hair for high crimes as well.

An overly confident Blagojevich was shocked yesterday that the people of Illinois had finally gotten tired of corruption in their politics, and upon hearing the verdict at the corruption trial turned to his defense attorney Sheldon Sorosky and barked, “Dude, what happened? You told me we were golden!”

His wife, Patti, slumped against her brother, then screamed, “Motherf!@ker!!!!!"

Before Blagojevich begins serving his prison sentence, his head will be shaved so that his hair may stand trial for crimes against humanity.

A spokesperson from the U.S. Attorney’s office told us, “That hair has been an assault on the American public’s good taste ever since the scandal broke and we’ve decided it should be held accountable. Patrick has a real appreciation for irony, so he’s thinking that due to Blagojevich’s blatant quest for fame as a reality TV star leading up to both of his previous trials, we could bring in that no nonsense hairdresser and reality TV star Tabatha Coffey from Bravo’s Salon Takeover to serve as judge, jury, and executioner. I’m guessing we’ll have to restrain her from stomping on that coif with her black leather stiletto-heeled boots. I would really look forward to that.”