Pundit Believes Food Consumption at State Fair Will Determine Iowa Straw Poll Winner

Mmnnn...tastes like chicken!

DES MOINES, Iowa – Americans may think a candidate’s stance on the recent debt ceiling battle and plans for job creation will decide the winner at today’s Iowa Straw Poll, but at least one local insider believes the real deciding factor will be their food consumption at the Iowa State Fair.

While GOP presidential contenders have been making many speeches on bales of hay telling us they won’t bail on less fortunate Americans, our Iowa expert, Pete the pundit, has been carefully watching their food consumption between lies and believes he can pick a winner.   He told Unsolicited Drivel:

“Well, we've seen Mitt Romney eating the most food on camera, everything from pork chop on a stick, to ice cream, to deep fried butter and all without mussing his hair.  So, that’s a good indicator at his real chance to win.  When Iowans look at Herman Cain, all they will be able to think of is pizza that looks incredibly appetizing, but tastes like cheesy, greasy cardboard, so he’s out.  Nobody even knows who Congressman Thaddeus McCotter is, so he could eat a live pig and it still wouldn’t matter.  Any Iowans who have Googled Rick Santorum’s name, won’t even want to imagine what he could be eating.  Bitter Minnesotan rivals Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann have already canceled each other out due to a vicious argument over Pawlenty’s accusation that Bachmann has never eaten a ‘Hot Beef Sundae.’  Ron Paul had to put his dentures in to eat and totally creeped out the voters, so he’s out.  Newt Gingrich and Jon Huntsman are already losers.  Gingrich because he looks like he ate the entire Iowa State Fair, and Huntsman because of the visual voters will get into their heads from when the saw him wrap his bloodless lips around a Corn Dog.  So, I think they’ll go with Romney.  Of course, if Sarah Palin shows up and feeds the voters her brand of Deep-Fried Kool-Aid, all bets are off.”