Despite being on the New York Times bestseller list (along with books about attracting “juice heads” penned by Snooki and Chelsea Handler’s most recent guide to masturbating with household furniture), the on-line magazine Salon.com recently reported that "Killing Lincoln", which O’Reilly co-authored with Martin Dugard, is so riddled with factual errors that the National Parks Service took time out from painting their future “We’re Closed” signs at the request of Congress to reveal all of the mistakes in the perhaps treacherous tome before out and out banning it from the bookstore at the Ford’s Theatre.
We at Unsolicited Drivel spent a large portion of last week reading “Killing Lincoln,” and are stunned to bring you even more factual inaccuracies this morning. Other O’Reilly tall tales include but are not limited to:
-Lincoln farmed minks illegally in a bathtub with chicken wire over it, yet he was morally opposed to wearing fur.
-Lincoln started the Civil War because he lost drinking game with Ulysses S. Grant.
-His wife Mary was a card counter and casinos were forced to turn a blind eye by Lincoln’s newly invented Secret Service.
-Lincoln’s favorite drink was Hawaiian Punch. In fact, he invented it despite never having been to Polynesia.
-His son Tad was originally going to be named Nostradamus until Lincoln got in a fight with his best friend, Nostradamus Brown.
-Lincoln had a skin condition which prevented him from wearing socks. To help him not feel odd, Mary had all the socks removed from the White House. No pets were even allowed to be named “Socks” in the White House either until William Jefferson Clinton had the ban lifted in 1993.
-He never ate rutabagas because he hated the vegetable’s name.
-Lincoln never graduated from law school, although he practiced as a lawyer without incident. His actual major was fine art with an emphasis fashion and he had hoped to become a haberdasher.
-He only wore a beard to cover up a scratch on his cheek a high school girlfriend gave him when he got fresh with her at the senior prom.
-He had a pet mouse that could do tricks. His favorite trick was to have it run to the top of a dollhouse and jump off the roof onto a tiny trampoline. The mouse's name was Jebediah.
-Lincoln only went to the Ford Theatre because they had the best popcorn outside of Springfield, Illinois.
1 comments so far :
Here's my favorite fun fact about Bill O'Reilly: the ghost of Abraham Lincoln rose out of his grave and went to Bill's house, where he punched him in the nuts.
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