Thursday, January 31, 2013

February is Women's Heart Health Awareness Month

February is Women's Heart health awareness month!  The way ladies typically celebrate this made up 28 days of awareness is by wearing the color... are you ready?  RED!  So clever.  If you are Laura Bush you wear a two piece Lela Rose buttoned-up suit day and night. If you are Michelle Obama you rock a side shoulder Versace day and night.

Symptoms of heart attacks are very different for ladies and it's important to know about them.  Heart disease is the number one killer of American women, yet that doesn't prevent some bitches from still wishing an early death on other bitches daily.  Particularly if that bitch is  Nicki Minaj. Even if you don't have the girth of say, a Rosie O'Donnell once she removed her Spanx™ after Oprah fired her, you still are at risk ladies!  Your first clue will be that your face will turn grey. There's other stuff too.

We asked our Unsolicited Drivel readers how they prevent heart disease.

"I'm heart-healthy because..." 

"I do try and watch what I eat. But in reality, I find laughter to be the best medicine.  Any time I am feeling blue, I think about the delusional GOP believing they will ever have any black voters other than Hermain Cain, Allen West, Michael Steele, and Alan Keyes.  It's a sure cure for the doldrums any day!"

"We find that making time to actually physically see each other instead of just making wise ass comments on social media is great.  Nothing beats face to face girl time and some coffee cake.  Also, bad-mouthing everyone we know.  Then, we take good care of our hearts by throwing up our cake."

"A little daily dose of self-love never hurt any girl if you catch my drift.  I also enjoy cutting to tone down my self-hatred.  That can't be heart healthy. The self-hatred I mean.  Plus I eat five cloves of garlic at dinner every night.  It's good for your heart and it also keeps Vampires away.  I hate those sparkly ones."

"I am a call girl and believe me, I don't come cheap.  I only accept job offers from cardiologists and get a free EKG with every lay. What can I say ladies?  I'm a compulsive multi-tasker.  It works for me!"

"I'd like to tell you it's all of the tofu I eat, but it's probably just all of the dope I smoke to convince myself I can sell my artwork on Etsy."

 P.S. Don't come after my crazy ass ladies. My mother died of a sudden heart attack. Everyone knows comedy has its roots in tragedy. She didn't know the symptoms. See the link above.

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