Friday, January 4, 2013

Paul Deen Weight Loss Secrets Revealed!

Moderation, y'all!
Savannah – Paula Deen might not be the first person you think about when you realize you’ve already broken your New Year’s Resolution to lose weight, but the Food Network star has dropped a whopping 36 pounds!

What’s Paula’s secret?  Well, we asked a representative for the 5’ 5” stick of butter for comment and he told us!

“I’m Paula’s personal assistant.  I’m in charge of removing shards of glass when she drops measuring cups into the mixer so she doesn’t sever her trachea.  And I help her keep her glass house in order.  Uh, I meant quaint Victorian mansion. Yeah. That's right.  I also help her stick to her diet to achieve her goal of not promoting diabetes for Americans like it's a sport.  Anyway, it’s more than just moderation.  Instead of buttermilk Paula now uses Greek yogurt mixed with coconut water.  Whenever she gets the urge to use 3 sticks of butter in a recipe, she now spreads two of them on her chest instead.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I’m not going to lie for her. Anthony Bourdain may hate Paul more that he hates eating warthog anus, but he’s always liked me.  He really seems to appreciate people who are gluttons for punishment for some reason. So I got Bourdain to record a DVD of him screaming nasty insults at Paula and whenever her willpower drops, I play it for her from sun up ‘til sun down y’all!”

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