Saturday, February 2, 2013

Super Bowl XLVII Half Time Shows We'd LIKE to See

It's time to dance/lip synch for your life!
New Orleans – Beyonce is set to replace Madonna as the lip syncher at this year’s Super Bowl FORTY-SEVEN (we are not in ancient Rome, are we?).  Bey will do a bang-up job, even without Blue Ivy as a back-up singer, and will remind us of it constantly for days after the game.  But every year, we at Unsolicited Drivel think to ourselves, “Why can’t the fans have any say in who performs at the half time show? We certainly get to express our opinion about who gets to perform on shitty reality shows?”  So, for the third year in a row, we present to you our “Fantasy Football Super Bowl Shows We’d Like to See!”

CHRIS BROWN GOES DOWN:  Let’s see… who has the irascible rapper attacked this year?  Frank Ocean, Drake, comedienne Jenny Johnson (with words, yo!), the lady at the Starbucks who called out, ‘Latte Macchiato for Beater,’ and probably the cop who pulled him over for speeding yesterday and probably also anyone who looked at him sideways.  To say this guy doesn’t have rage issues is like saying the GOP doesn’t like to use Christians as a human shield to try and get elected.  Anyhow… at the very least, Frank Ocean, Jenny Johnson, and Drake will beat Chris in front of the crowd with bats – but the fight will be SIMULATED with those soft bats.  Then Chris will be tied up with a whip and Rhianna will take him out for real in the (now proven fictional) ‘Mandingo’ style a la the movie Django Unchained, but she’ll just use her fingernails.

After failing to bag herself a Kennedy with her chastity (really, a Kennedy, committing without sex?), country ‘it-girl,’ Taylor Swift will debut a new sunnier side of music where she doesn’t sing about guys always dumping her because she won’t put out and thinks they will settle for just being photographed with her. The songs will be about nice things like puppies, kitties and rainbows. She will announce that she will always love her fans, but she’s going to go and live on a farm near Nashville and all of her songs will be downloadable via iTunes so the rest of America is not forced to see her on the Grammys or VMAs anymore.

MARIAH CAREY-NIKKI MINAJ SMACKDOWN: American Idol rival judges Carey and Minaj will fight before a live audience.  Mariah will fight Nikki with her powerful singing pipes and Nikki will fight Mariah by rapping her weird songs backed up by her fake butt and those two little fans of hers from The Ellen Show that remind us at Unsolicited Drivel of the ‘Mothra Twins.’ This performance will go on for much longer than the average bathroom break and then MIA will march onto the field and punch both their lights out to relieve the audience of their misery.  The Mothra Twins will be spared though.

ONE DIRECTION DOES MANY DIRECTIONS: The lovely little British (non-mop-tops) Niall, Zayn, Liam, Harry, and Louis will be forced to embrace a new musical style.  To show some mercy for viewers older than the Super Bowl itself and who also remember REAL music, Simon Cowell’s manufactured generic boy band will attempt to pull off songs by Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young.  When they realize they can’t even pull off CSNY outside of a studio without a sound engineer, the group will then spontaneously combust.   Yay!  No more ‘bizarro’ British invasion!!

… to finish off the show, Pappa John’s Pizza owner John Schnatter will be used as the ball to kick a field goal to start the second half after his raising the cost of his shitty pizza by mere cents to pay for Obamacare.

                                            GO RAVENS!!!

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