Multiplexes Across the USA - Oh, my. We feel so sorry for the male readers who have been snowbound all week and are trying to find something to ease their sweeties' cabin fever who might end up in a darkened theater as a result of being dragged to see a rom-com-bomb. The star-studded
“Valentine’s Day” opens today. Yes, it has a pedigree: from the director of
"Pretty Woman"…(his last hit, which was 20 YEARS FREAKIN’ AGO). The movie features a huge cast of Hollywood A- to C listers. These type of films with a star-studded cast always seem enticing but be forewarned: it’s another director’s formula - Robert Altman’s - and it hasn’t even worked for Robert Altman since, maybe -- EVER. We don’t even have to screen it. Be afraid gentlemen...be VERY afraid if your girlfriend insists on seeing this. You better work out a deal ahead of time, like “if I go to see
‘Valentine’s Day,’ you will agree to ____X____ (let’s keep it clean).” Life is a series of trade-offs, after all. Remember that. But it shouldn’t include having to watch Jessica Alba try and emote. At least not unless she's on a stripper pole. Oh, no! We are now having flashbacks to
“He’s Just Not That Into You,” a rom-com so vile that it left us feeling like we wanted to run screaming bloody murder around the block while chasing the ice cream truck. Even though it played "TURKEY IN THE STRAW!!!" However, this current ensemble “comedy” can also boast an appearance by the pretty woman herself, Julia Roberts - who is rumored to have been paid upwards of
$3 million for roughly six minutes of work. Even with factoring in the therapy costs involved as a result of her naming one of her kids after P.T. Barnum and the other after the world’s most unattractive sitcom maid*, that paycheck still seems excessive. Are you buying your advance tickets on Fandango now? Let us know how that works out for you.
* Phineas and Hazel, lest we forget. They probably f#$@&*g hate their little brother Harry.
Ha! Ha!
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