It’s Memorial Day Weekend - Everybody in the Minivan!

32 Million Americans are expected to be traveling this first weekend of the summer and most on them by car. Yes, thanks to airlines charging us to check everything except our traveler’s checks, that means it’s time again to load the entire family (yes, this includes Grandma!) into the minivan and spend some real quality time together while sitting in traffic back-ups along our scenic interstate highways due to the inability of motorists to merge. "Merge! Damn, you merge! What part of ‘Left lane ends in 1000 feet’ written boldly on blaze freaking orange do you NOT FREAKING UNDERSTAND? Are you freaking blind?!"

Remember though folks, there are simple rules you can follow to help make your precious time together even more enjoyable.

1. Keeping it Simple, Keep it Safe!
Instead of packing a heavy, bulky ice chest filled with your entire free-range food supply for the long weekend, perhaps just stop and pick up a gas station hoagie or hummus sprout tortilla roll-up on a need-to-eat basis. This way when you narrowly miss rear-ending the vehicle that stops short in front of you because some other bastard cuts him off and the cooler shifts suddenly in traffic, little Tyler-Ryleigh-Emma-Colby has less of a chance of being crushed by said cooler while innocently texting other toddlers.

2. Make Sure to Make It Fun
If want to try fishing, skip the ocean (especially you know where), and take kids to a place actually they have a chance of catching a lot of fish, like a national aquarium or a local pet store. Be sure the hung-over staff is on their cigarette break.

If you are opposed to fishing on moral grounds, perhaps you should take in some of our natural wonders. You might consider trying to see not only the world’s largest ball or string, but also maybe even try to fit in a look-see at the kidney stone removed from some West Virginia guy that afterwards, was given its own zip code.

3. Don’t Forget to Include The Kids
This involves more than just remembering to put them in the car so that they don’t end up wishing John Hughes hadn’t died so he could still make a movie about what lousy parents you are. Whenever you can, you might as well let them drive. Hell, the vacation was probably their bright idea anyway. It make take years off your life to watch them maneuver, but not as many years as you would lose after you’ve have a heart attack behind the wheel while you’re all hopped up on Red Bull after one too many boneheads has refused to merge.