Two of America’s Biggest A-Holes Due in Court Today

U.S.A. – As if Mondays were not bad enough as it is, today is already shot to holy Hell because two of our nation’s biggest disappointments are front and center in the public spotlight.

Arizona shooting suspect Jared Loughner, and evil kidnapper lady Ann Pettway, are both due in federal courts this morning to face judges for their alleged heinous crimes.

Media coverage is likely to be incessant, leaving most Americans wishing they could turn the clocks back to Sunday night and we’re told that President Obama is planning to take steps to help us.

A White House insider told us, “we’re all hurting this morning after the NFL play-offs, particularly Jets and Bears fans, including the most famous Bears fan, the president. The idea of being bombarded by our sensationalist media with news of these two incredible assholes is no way to survive a Monday with a hangover and broken dreams. Expect a press conference in about an hour where the President formally announces that we are starting this week on Tuesday instead of Monday. A complete do-over. That idea might also work to Obama’s advantage in another way - as if people drink like it’s Sunday on a Monday night, they might forget to tune into the State of the Union address tomorrow night and won’t be disgusted by the phony and gratuitous show of bipartisanship with the new lawmaker seating arrangements.”