Hallmark Channel = Must Flee TV

OK, I didn’t wake up this morning intending to write this article. What happened was I took my car in for the routine 60,000 mile check. You know what’s coming next: after looking at the car for a while, the service desk guy came out holding a small screw. “Mr. [Blah], the good news is we were able to save this part” he said, before holding out a scroll of needed repairs, which unfurled down to the ground and began traveling across the floor to an open door, and which would have escaped entirely had not a quick thinking secretary slammed the door shut at the last second. After a quick call to the bank, where a second mortgage was thankfully approved over the phone, I signed off on the repairs and went to wait in the despair room, sorry, waiting room.

I was there from 10 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon, and after reading the Baltimore Sun (1 second), doing the crossword (2 hours), checking the news on my mobile phone (1 hour), walking around outside and calling everyone I knew (1 hour), I found myself forced to watch the Hallmark Channel, which was running an afternoon movie-thon. I ended up watching 3 movies, and to say that these were the worst most predictable tepid safe boring movies ever made really is not enough: more scorn must be heaped on these movies to do them justice (and by justice I mean hatred).

First of all, all these movies had 3 things in common. 1) Each starred a has-been minor star from a former TV era. 2) The instant predictability of the ending. This second point is worth a bit of explanation. By “instant,” I am not exaggerating. As soon as you are introduced to the characters, you know exactly what the ending is, in fact, you will guess it so quickly that it’s possible you may be violating some law of physics. 3) No nonwhite people allowed. This was so pronounced that by the time the repair guy called me in to hook me up to the gurney for my pound of flesh extraction, I had renamed the channel “Whitetime.”

Movie #1 (has-been minor star: the guy who played the second husband of the neighbors on “Married with Children” from the 80s. Even the first husband would have been minor, this guy is in the basement of the minor league). Plot: widow has relationship with guy (played by basement), but son doesn’t like him, so: will they stay together?!?!?! Instantly predictable ending: they’ll break up in the middle of the movie, and then the guy will bond with the boy, so they get back together (the bonding takes place over the boy’s unexpected talent as a photographer). Movie #2 (has-been minor star: the red-headed girl who played Cybill Sheridan’s daughter in the “Cybill” show of about a decade ago.) Plot: she’s getting married to an arrogant rich guy, when a childhood sweetheart who broke up with her years ago suddenly shows up with renewed feelings, so: who will she choose?!?!?!? Instantly predictable ending: she goes with childhood guy. Movie #3 (has-been minor star: some female comedian who I think was on an episode of Seinfeld but who I couldn’t quite place: she is in the sub-basement of the minor league). Plot: woman (played by sub-basement), tired of dating the wrong guys, makes up a list of the 22 qualities her perfect man must have. Right after making up list, she meets two guys at the same time: a quirky musician/coffee-store owner who she finds annoying and who clearly does not meet her requirements, and a rich handsome man who does, so: who will she choose?!?!?!? Instantly predictable ending: duuuuuhhh (keep saying for, like, an hour). I think these movies had names, but at the end of the day, it didn’t really matter.

Posted by: GMan