No More “Morning After” Questions - Scientists Perfect Date Rape Detector Test

The nights of asking the least popular girl in your clique* to taste your drink too see if she passes out seconds later on the nightclub dance floor may be over, as scientists say they have perfected a “date rape drug detector.”

The new test, tentatively named ESP (Early Sleezeball Predictor), is believed to have an accuracy rate of 100 percent.

The scientist behind the breakthrough test told Unsolicited Drivel, “It’s not always feasible for a young lady to coerce someone else into being a drink taster, or even throw a drink in another girl’s face under the guise of an argument to see if she passes out.  But now I can help you tell if your Cosmo will cause you to go commando in the morning. All you have to do is dip the test stick into the drink and see if the drink becomes cloudy, which would indicate enough horse tranquilizer to temporarily chemically lobotomize a couple of Zenyattas or the equivalent of one Mr. Ed.  Obviously it wouldn't work with a Vodka Stinger as that's already cloudy, so skip ordering those.  The chemical reaction will turn the mint brown in a Mojito though.  The development of the test is great news for everyone but the rapists.  As they are mental defectives that I highly doubt will seek therapy,  I suppose they’ll just have to revert to the old-fashioned tactics for abuse of power through rape – by physical force, or by drafting government legislation.”

*The one who "likes" EVERY single freaking thing you do on Facebook even if it involves committing a felony.