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Aston Kutcher Sorry He Didn’t Realize He Was a Reactionary A-hole

Two and a Half Men star Ashton Kutcher figured out last night due to an ignorant Tweet about disgraced Penn State Coach Joe Paterno, what the entire Twitterverse has known for some time – he’s a reactionary A(Plusk)-hole.

Upon hearing of the former football legend’s ouster as head coach of the Nittany Lyons, Kutcher Tweeted,  “How do you fire Jo Pa?  #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”

Oops!  Kutcher fired off the tweet without reading the news about Coach Joe Paterno, who may now become known as “Pope Joe” due his years-long cover-up of the sexual molestation under his watch of young athletes.

Immediately, hate tweets started flooding in from fans who were not astute enough to realize Kutcher was not likely to keep up with current events without his allegedly scorned wife Demi Moore reading the newspaper to him over a breakfast of macrobiotic air with essence of Quinoa and Kabbalah water.

Kutcher immediately apologized for the inappropriate tweets after the aforementioned  allegedly scorned wife also reminded him that he was supposed to be a staunch crusader against child sexual mistreatment.

A Hollywood insider and a critic of celebrity over-sharers commented on Ashton’s blunder, “As an early adopter of Twitter and how it can benefit a B-list celebrity, Kutcher should stick to what he does best – buying stocks in startup tech companies and then driving up their share prices by randomly blathering about them to inflate his stock portfolio for when Men finally tanks at the end of this season."

Lindsay Lohan Narrowly Escapes Doing Jail Time With Dad Michael

Los Angeles - Judge Stephanie Sautner nearly threw the book at fading starlet Lindsay Lohan today by threatening to make her do her upcoming 30-day stint in jail in the same cell as her father Michael.

Lohan appeared in court for a hearing over violating her probation for being an a-hole by blowing off her community service at a women’s center and her court-ordered therapy sessions.

A rep from the District Attorney’s office told us, “First the judge laid out a very strict schedule for Lindsay to complete her therapy and community service and told her she’d have to stay at the morgue where's she currently working because the women’s center didn’t want her. But Lindsay said that she wanted to go back to work at the women’s center as has she hasn’t figured out a way to huff embalming fluid.  The judge quickly denied her request.  Then Lindsay made one last plea to return to the women’s center by stating she’d be happy to publish a calendar of all her mug shots and donate the proceeds to them, but it was to no avail. Lindsay was expecting jail time, but when the judge proposed she do it with her currently incarcerated dad, not only did all the color drain from her face, but her freckles disappeared too.  Her lawyer pled for mercy stating that spending any time with Mr. Lohan could be considered cruel and unusual punishment.  Even for an entitled a-hole.  Then judge finally agreed that Lindsay could go back to her usual cell at Linwood Correctional facility. I’ve never seen Lindsay so scared in court and I’ve seen Lindsay in court more often than I see my family lately.  I think it’s possible that this judge finally found a way to scare her straight.”