Los Angeles – The Interwebs were all a buzz this week as rumors surfaced that pop music and fashion's BIGGEST star, Jessica Simpson, had already picked out a name for one of her Irish twins.
A source close to the Fashion Star judge (the guy who uses a Dust Buster™ to clean up after Jessica's hair extensions) told Unsolicited Drivel, “Jessie was so excited to get pregnant agin! It’s not like she didn’t like them people at Weight Watchers. She said they was all professional and all. But their system revolves around countin' points and Jessica is under the impression that subtraction is just addition’s tricky little friend. That’s what her accountant told her. Anyhow, she sees how much attention that Jenny McCarthy blonde gal gets talkin' about how she’s always horny. So I reckon that means Jessica and that finance of hers that nobody kin ‘member the name of will be pregnant a lot as Jessica can’t count no calories. We figgered if she names that boy ‘Nascar,’ every time guys Google that there manly sport's name, her name will come up in their searches. Then they can look at pictures of her and ‘member when she used to be hot. Hot enough to turn the head of that gay papa o' hers even! Now that be smokin'!”
Showing posts with label Jessica Simpson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jessica Simpson. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Jessica Simpson Rumored to Name Second Baby “Nascar”
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Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Jessica Simpson Announces Plan to Remain Pregnant for Life
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| I can't wait. Another year of pregnancy! |
Speaking to Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, Simpson told us, “I’m so happy and feel so blessed Drivel Lady. Praise Jesus. I love bein’ pregnant ‘cause I git to eat so much. Plus, it keeps my boobs in the news. They need all the publicity they can git since Pappa Joe turned in one of them there homosexuals and don’t talk about them no more. I plan to be pregnant from now on! It makes me horny for my fiancĂ© nobody can remember the name of too!! Oh, and thanks for giving me no criticism for calling my baby girl Mawell so I can nick name her ‘Maxi.’ Would you believe I got a hate tweet from that little Suri Cruise telling me I shoulda just have gone ahead and name my baby ‘Kotex?’ That little brat needs a whoopin’ with a hickory stick.”
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Laurie B.
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Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Jessica Simpson Had NO Clue Papa Joe Simpson Was Gay
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| Like....um, duh, y'all! |
Joseph Simpson and his wife Tina Ann, also parents of notorious lip-syncher and SNL ruiner Ashlee Simpson, are reportedly in talks for a divorce after photos of Joe Simpson's alleged affair with 21-year-old model Bryce Chandler Hall were discovered.
New lil' bastard baby mama Jessica told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, "This comes as a bigger shock to me than when I found out Chicken of the Sea didn't have no chicken, or that them Buffalos didn't have no wings. I mean Papa Joe was always talking' bout my breasts and motor boating. How was I supposed to know that really meant he was really wantin' me to buy him a motor boat just by showing my breasts to Americans that ain't got no real taste? I mean he's a minister and psychologist…and a Republican. I thought he was one of those good head shrinkers like that Marcus Bachmann dude doing the 'pray away the gay' and stuff. I can't even add er subtract girlfriend. How was I to know that combination of Papa Joe's occupation and his political values translated to 'I like to bang little boys'? I don't read the news or nothin'. I can only hope papa ain't doing no meth too like that other Reverend Ted Haggard guy who pretends to be praying when he really's been doing gayin'! Although some meth might make Joe more interesting. He'd probably use less words I couldn't unnerstand."
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Tuesday, May 1, 2012
First Look at Jessica Simpson's Baby!
She just tweeted this pic of new daughter Maxwell from the hospital. Wow. I guess it's true what the tabloids said about her having been pregnant for like...forever. That kid's already ready for Toddlers and Tiaras!
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