Lindsay Lohan Will Cut a Bitch (Down)

Future black eye/file mug shot

New York - As per usual, ignoring the wisdom of the old adage, “Nothing good ever happens after 2AM," fading starlet and memory of Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor destroyer, Lindsay Lohan, was arrested for assault last night after 4AM nightclub brawl.

According to witnesses, Lohan and the alleged victim, whose name has not been released pending more bruises forming and her filing a law suit against Lohan, the two got into a scuffle after the woman said of Lohan’s latest Lifetime movie “Liz and Dick” something like, “I’ve seen better performances in barnyards – by chickens who have just had their heads cut off.  They certainly seemed less bored than you did during that piece of shit movie.”

Police were called quickly to the scene, hauling Lohan off in handcuffs while she was wailing her usual battle cry, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!”

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with Lindsay’s latest new manager (who will probably quit by tomorrow) and he told us, “I know you haters out there feel like Christmas just came early, but I hope you will show Ms. Lohan some compassion.  Obviously, bitch-slapping a bar-fly is going to be a probation violation, on top of her other probation violation of lying to police about her car crash last summer, so I fear it is likely she will end up back in the pokey.  She has had a very bad week. She’s tough and she was handling the scathing reviews of her Lifetime movie quite well until a friend in LA told her that flowers had been arriving by the truckload at Forest Lawn cemetery from Dame Elizabeth Taylor’s fans to express sympathy over the film.  For you non-haters, there is some good news at least as far as Lindsay tax problems are concerned.  Her accountant tells me she will probably have enough mug shots by now to publish a 2013 calendar. And if we include her incoherent late night Tweets as well as the pictures, it should sell in record numbers and she will no longer have to risk getting crabs from Charlie Sheen for another tax loan to pay her debt to the IRS.”

Unsolicited Drivel’s Official “Liz and Dick” Drinking Game

Should probably strangle her instead.

Cheater-beater-theater, aka The Lifetime Television Network, is premiering the much anticipated movie biopic of the tumultuous relationship between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton – “Liz and Dick” tonight.  The TV movie is supposed to be fading starlet Lindsay Lohan’s big “comeback.” Producer Larry A. Thompson had been quoted as saying that working with Lindsay “was not for the faint-hearted,” having had to insure her at 10 times the normal rate compared to a non-train wreck actor.  Co-star Grant Bowler, who plays the rugged Welsh actor Burton, was allegedly overheard saying, “I had to summon up the patience of Gandhi to work with that sleazy little guttersnipe mates!”

Critics have been bashing the film mercilessly since they screened it last week and have suggested if one is fond of drinking games, “Liz and Dick” is not for those who are faint of liver either.  However, we at Unsolicited Drivel thought we would come up with some suggestions anyway…

• Take a drink every time you wish the deadly asp would have killed Lindsay as Cleopatra looooong before she meets Grant Bowler as Mark Antony.

• Take a drink every time you think Taylor's husband Eddie Fisher is clueless about Liz and Dick’s clandestine affair because he’s so high on cocaine he doesn’t even notice her trailer is rocking while he's speed walking around the 20th Century Fox studio lot.

• Take a drink every time Liz makes Dick feel inferior as he grew up poor in Wales and he believes that diamonds will shut a bitch up.

• Take a drink every time you wish that when they play George and Martha in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” the couple would just get it over with and bludgeon each other to death with whiskey bottles already.

• Take a drink based upon how many times you imagine Lindsay Lohan whined at the director refusing to play Liz as fat during Taylor's chubby years.

• Take a drink every time Grant Bowler has a distressed look on his face that seems like he wishes he’d never left New Zealand for Hollywood.

• Take a drink every time you think Director Lloyd Kramer contemplated going back to his trailer and O.D.ing on Xanax and Oxy due to Lohan’s bumper car driving and “exhaustion.”

• Take a drink every time your mind is boggled at how Lindsay didn’t even attempt to sound classy like Dame Elizabeth and just used her ruined Marlboro Red/Coke-head burnout voice instead.  Then call 911.

First Pic of Lindsay Lohan as Liz Taylor!

Wow!  That didn't take long.  Just a day after the tabloids reported that Megan Fox, who was also allegedly up for the role of Elizabeth Taylor, is supposedly pregnant, Lifetime TV formally announced Lindsay Lohan's casting in Liz and Dick.  They've have moved production to LA so that Lindsay won't be offending Canadian citizens during filming and have already been trying out some hair and make-up looks.  Check out this very first picture!