La La Land: Movie Review - See It !?!

Can you talk about anything OTHER than jazz???

Writer/director Damien Chazelle’s La La Land is an over-sized wad of cotton candy wedged into a Capezio dance shoe that’s one size too small. “Oh, no! She didn’t!” Oh, yes. I just did. I sat down for a holiday movie (to kill off my holiday season as it turns out) inside the Charles Theater in Baltimore City. Outside, the second ‘La’ on the marquee for La La Land was askew. This is when I became suspicious - as is my true nature.

The movie started and I thought, “boy, oh boy! This is going to be like Rent but without the smack addicts! No. It’s not. It will then be like Glee but without the mean people. Nope. Oh… I get it! It’s like those 40s musicals that mom made me watch (not against my will) only without the smokin’ hot Adonis of the Arabesque Gene Kelly!!!” Nope. All hopped-up on sugar (my smack), I decided to take one for my team!

Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone go together on screen like ham and cheese. He’s the ham (salty) and she’s the cheese (sharp). But should you see it?

Reasons to see La La Land:

• If you are a fan of the late choreographer Jerome Robbins and will settle for a modern day knock-off this is the MOVIE FOR YOU! Also, if you believe people in LA stuck in an endless traffic jam would leave their hybrid cars to sing and dance together on the freeway, it’s a WINNER.

• If you like red-haired damsels in yellow dresses (where’s Amy Adams?) it’s a FEAST of fashion for the eyes.

•  If you liked Ryan Gosling as that creepy guy from Drive, but prefer to see him looking waaaaay dapper in a suit, RUN! Do  NOT WALK.

• If you love movie musicals, the music for the film will definitely win Oscars. Who knows about the acting and directing? The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences seem like bitchy political f*ckers to me.

• If you are not a composer, but a writer, and wondered if you could write a screenplay, I have good news for you! YOU could have written this movie, without having to attend a writer’s workshop where the teacher only drones on and on about THEMSELVES.

• If you believe there is something known as JAZZ HATER CONVERSION THERAPY and Ryan Gosling can perform that, he’s your man. I love jazz, so his dreamy stare was lost on me.

* If you ever wondered if a director could suck all of the chemistry out of the coupling of Gosling and Stone (which they had in Crazy, Stupid Love) like some mad scientist, you will have your answer!

• If you like seasons (winter, spring, summer and fall) this movie has TONS of them. Even more than the recent Gilmore Girls reunion on the cure for insanity channel - Netflix.

• If you want to see the Eiffel Tower through a window at night - score!

• If you are not sure the person you are dating is secretly batting for the other team, you can find out  if they last for the entire movie.

• If you know your primary care doctor dabbles in musical theater on the side for stress relief and believe there’s a very good chance they took their spouse on a date to see this movie, you can tell them you did too and get a tranquilizer without ANY questions as you now suffer from social anxiety disorder.

So! I have given you plenty of reasons to SEE LA LA LAND! You’re welcome. I thought the movie marquee was strange enough, but after leaving the theater I saw THIS!!! Interesting…

Movie Review: "Liz and Dick" The Morning After

A drag queen would have been better...

Remember Robin Williams, that standup comedian who did weird voices and talked frantically in a schizophrenic-roid-rage-kind-of-way on stage? Imagine if, instead of doing his normal dialog, he was reciting the Gettysburg Address (but still frantically). Now imagine him doing it in the movie "Lincoln." I start off this review with this absurd image so you can understand the following: this would be better casting than Lindsay Lohan playing Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifecrime movie "Liz and Dick."

Lindsay Lohan, sounding like Harvey-Fierstein-after-too-many-cigarrettes, evokes the very essence of Lindsay Lohan not doing a good Liz Taylor impression in this awful dreck, which aired Sunday, and will continue to appear in an eternal loop in the personal torture chamber of William Shakespeare in his cell in Hell. She acts less like Liz Taylor and more like Liz Taylor's teenage daughter who went into Mommy's closet and tried on Mommy's too-big wigs and dresses.

The movie, starring Grant Bowler (recently in "Atlas Shrugged"), who is slightly better as Richard Burton, is about the tumultuous relationship between the two movie icons, who met on the set of the early 60s epic (non-nuclear bomb) "Cleopatra" and had an affair, openly and scandalously abandoning two marriages and sets of children, thus becoming the number one target for the paparazzi photographers who follow them everywhere (partly because publicity-seeking Liz calls to tell them where they will be). It follows their up-and-down relationship over the next several decades, as they struggle to overcome Taylor's relatively more successful movie career and Burton's jealousy over that.

The main problem with the movie is that Lohan and Bowler have less chemistry than a grade school science fair vinegar-and-baking-soda volcano, which makes most scenes fairly boring. A side story involving a tragedy with Richard Burton's manager-brother (David Hunt, a minor TV actor) also seems bloodless. The only interesting part of the movie is when Lohan and Bowler are shown in Inside-the-Actors-Studio-type asides, talking directly to the audience about the scenes in the movie.

Now having had its run, the movie is consigned to the realm of the 2-am insomniacs, who, when faced with a choice of this or half hour long infomercials about cleaning products, may find the decision harder than they expect. Unless they are William Shakespeare.

Posted by: GMan

Argo: Movie Review

Bad hair dayz....

Short version: This movie rocks and you should go see it. Why: it's good drama, comedy, and has excellent 70s sideburns.

Long version: I was riveted to my seat throughout the whole movie, which takes place during the 1979 takeover of the US Embassy in Iran. Six Americans get out of the embassy right before it happens and take refuge in the home of the Canadian ambassador. It's up to CIA guy Ben Affleck to smuggle them out before the Iranians figure out where they are and get 'em. He comes up with this cockamamy idea to fake that a Star-Wars-like-bad-movie is going to be made on an Iranian location and pretend that the Americans are part of the movie crew, then use that as an excuse to smuggle them out of the country. You pretty much already knew that from the commercial, right? What you didn't get from the commercial is that this is a very well done drama, expertly directed by Ben Affleck! The pacing is solid, without seeming rushed, the story is suspenseful and thrilling, and because it's based on a true event, very interesting. Alan Arkin and John Goodman bring the comedy home as the fake producers of the bad Star-Wars knockoff movie (called "Argo") and there are multiple moments in the movie where a pun on the movie name is repeated to good effect (I can't tell you what the pun is without spoiling it, but trust me, you will laugh each time you hear it). The unexpected bonus of this movie was how well it captured the side-burny-post-hippy-hairstyles, big-glasses-on-men, long-straight-hair-on-women, and big-boat cars of the 70s. Much like "Mad Men" captured the spirit of the 60s, this movie does just that for the Carter generation.

Posted by:GMan

Movie Review: Taken 2: The Killening

The plot of this movie is: something happens, and then Liam Neeson kills a bunch of people. Actually, you already knew that, right? When we got to the theatre, there was this older couple standing in line ahead of us (they were late-50s or early 60s). They had apparently come to the theatre without having a specific movie in mind, because the man turned to us and asked what movie we would recommend. I of course said the movie we were there to see, and they did in fact buy tickets for it. Well, about 60 dead guys and a lot of dropped half-eaten falafel sandwiches later, it was all over. I wonder what the woman thought of the extremely gratuitous violencing, did she have the same deal with her husband that I have with my wife, which is: today - somebody kills a bunch of furriners; tomorrow - Amy Adams does a boy-gets-loses-gets.

Really, what is there to say about a movie like this? If you liked Taken 1, you'll like it. If you didn't like Taken 1, then you must be a girl and can at least look forward to the next Amy Adams movie trade-off. Liam Neeson is good as the guy who kills smelly-looking baddies. The daughter is back and you'll like her again too. She actually is the one surprise in the movie, taken a surprising turn as a bit of an action star. My wife at several points in the movie said it was hard to follow, but I explained this away, since there was nothing to follow. All you have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy Neeson stompening all over Istanbul, the dirtiest place on earth according to the movie. Idea for a drinking game: every time Neeson pauses in a chase by a dirty wall that looks like it has not been cleaned since the time of Mohammed, everybody takes a shot. You'll never make it to the end of the movie, but it's ok if you don't: you already know how it ends anyway, don't you? (pause while you think for a second) - You are correct.

Posted by GMan