Hundreds of Millions of Kids Fear Santa Will Use Apple Maps This Year and Totally F*ck Them

Ho! Ho! Huh?

All over the Word - Hundreds of millions of kids who still believe in Santa, in whatever version they have of him in their countries (Black Pete, Duke of Yule, St. Nickelback, whatever...) expressed fear today that they will be totally screwed out of receiving their Christmas presents if Santa uses Apple Maps on his iPhone 5.

Kids in middle America were even forming a support group to quell their anxiety today at a Chuck E. Cheese in Decatur, Illinois.  Speaking to Unsolicited Drivel via Skype, the self-help group leader Aiden McAvarice told us "We are like, so TOTALLY worried.  It would be one thing if Santa's elves built the iPhone 5, but we heard Chinese people who are only fed aroma of rice while on the job did it.  We get lost on the way to Lacrosse matches all the time when our parents use Apple maps.  We experimented with one for looking for a place in Arkansas, where people believe in Santa well into their 50s and it came up as Afghanistan!  How are those kids going to work OUR 'Call of Duty Black Ops II' video games in a god damn cave with no electricity? Jesus Christ! We never thought we'd say this because we all plan to give ourselves carpal tunnel syndrome from text-bullying by age 12, but technology sometimes sucks."

The Answer is YES...They MUST

(Via Being Liberal)

Take Another Day Off Santa

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Economic Indicators Point to Santa Instead of Government as One of Biggest Job Creators This Year

North Pole – Economists are reporting today that with the exception of Facebook and excluding all the makers of “smart phones,” that Santa Claus is the big winner in job creation this year.

One elfin economist told Unsolicited Drivel on behalf of the jolly old soul, “Despite the fact that the Federal Government has been claiming to create jobs for all of 2011, movements such as Occupy Wall Street have clearly proved at the end of the calendar year that our lawmakers have been complete failures.  If we leave out that Mark Zuckerberg kid from the equation, the late Steve Jobs, Samsung, and all the makers of the Android type phones, Santa’s definitely been the most productive job creator this year employing hundreds of thousands of elves to make toys.  However, we do have a concern that the government will still try and take credit for these jobs Santa created, as they are responsible for maintaining America’s schools.  And with their track record in education as of late, and the way they treat our teachers, our kids haven't been learning anything new.  So we’re just sitting up here pretty much exclusively making Elmo dolls year after blessed year.  There’s a huge demand that never goes away. Seriously, that’s all we make.  Our hope is maybe Speaker Boehner won’t notice and try to steal our credit because Elmo’s face isn’t orange.”

Good Question

I'm guessing Snowman on Saint action is blasphemous in most states too!
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