Elizabeth Taylor Outsmarts Westboro Baptist Church Protesters at Own Funeral

Los Angeles – Hollywood’s most glamorous leading lady and HIV/AIDS activist, Elizabeth Taylor, was laid to rest yesterday, the day after she died of heart failure. Taylor’s immediate family had a private ceremony at Forest Lawn cemetery where she could be buried close to many of her friends, including singer Michael Jackson (but not singer Eddie Fisher).

Due to Taylor’s tireless activism she put into fighting HIV/AIDS instead of trying to convert homosexual men back to straight like a good glamour girl should, Fred Phelps and his controversial Westboro Baptist Church had said they would stink up the screen legend’s funeral by protesting.  But surprisingly, they did not.

There must have been something even more special about Elizabeth than we already thought if those hateful, crazy people didn’t show up.  We asked one of her pals for comment, and he (not Barry Manilow) told us, “Well, she could have duped them without even knowing it by converting to Judaism.  They’d probably never believe a woman with such waspy looks could be Jewish, and by Jewish law, she had to be buried within a day and it’s possible that they didn’t know that and couldn’t charter a bus to L.A. in time.  But that Reverend Fred Phelps seems to have his crazy followers planted everywhere.  So I’m guessing that by Elizabeth’s planning to be fashionably late to her own funeral, she outsmarted Westboro, as they very likely couldn’t believe that somebody wouldn’t want to be given a proper send-off to heaven right on time exactly as scheduled, and they left in in disbelief in a big huff when the limos were late to the service.”

Supreme Court Rules Westboro Baptist Church Has Right to Go to Hell

Washington, DC – The U.S. Supreme Court ruled on Wednesday that members of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church have a right to protest military funerals and expose themselves for the intolerant, hateful people they are.  Good luck and God bless.

"Simply put, the church members had the right to be where they were," Chief Justice John Roberts wrote on behalf the court majority.

The court’s decision was based on the case of Albert Snyder, the father of a late U.S. Marine, who sued after the church protested his son’s funeral last October.

Justice Roberts also wrote something to the effect of, “While I have heard more refined political messages coming out of my ass, they (Westboro) have a right to protest the moral conduct of the United States and its citizenry (gays anyway) based upon the teachings of a book that’s thousands of years old and offers no wiggle room for changing mores in a society facing extreme challenges day after day primarily because we are not living in 1400 BC.”   Or something like that.

Justice Samuel Alito was the lone dissenter in the 8-1 decision and wrote, "In order to have a society in which public issues can be openly and vigorously debated, it is not necessary to allow the brutalization of innocent victims like petitioner."

Excellent point, your Honor.  But the First Amendment, as written,  doesn't protect the general public from extremist hillbilly jerk-weasels.

Unfortunately for sane Americans, Westboro has also covered their pious asses thus far by not causing a stir at the funerals and staying a comfortable distance away.  But their efforts are for naught, as Jesus appeared to us in our Unsolicited Drivel break room this afternoon in a bowl of alphabet soup, spelling it out for us to let Justice Alito know that distance Westboro has kept from the funerals will be tiny in comparison to how far their intolerance has removed them from the gates of Heaven.  Suckers!

God Denies Affiliation With Westboro Baptist Church

Heaven – God, the Heavenly Father, denied today that he has any connection whatsoever to the controversial hate group masquerading as Christians at the Westboro Baptist Church.

The controversial cult, uh, excuse us, “church” is known for anti-gay protests celebrating soldiers' deaths at funerals as well as protests that make even less sense – like their willingness to loudly stink up and dumb down Elizabeth Edwards’ funeral with their mentally unhinged presence.  And now, the group’s leader, Fred Phelps, is insisting that God sent the shooter to Tucson, Arizona last weekend to break our country’s heart and make its progress of the last two years go in reverse.

The Almighty stated, “I have to be honest, I had no idea who these crackpots were before Jesus started following them on Twitter just for kicks, but their activities have become totally insane.  I haven’t been a vengeful God since back in Biblical times.  I've matured, you know?   But  I’m hurting for followers these days as it is.  Do you think I would really want to lose any of my flock by associating with these ignorant hicks?  From what I hear, Satan doesn’t even want these people in Hell, so I suppose that I’m going to inevitably have to find a way to forgive them.  Usually, forgiveness is not too difficult for me, even second nature,  but these Westboro people will present a serious challenge indeed.”