Reported to have been speaking to a dorm room full of English majors who brought his spirit back after a box of Pinot Grigio, Twain told the students, “I don’t know how many times I said when I was living that I didn’t write that book for impressionable children to read - it was meant strictly for adults. And part of being adult means accepting responsibility and learning from boneheaded mistakes that we make during our lives, like referring to our fellow man as the ‘n-word.’ STOP teaching the book to kids who haven’t lived long enough to form their own opinions already. Stick with Lewis Carroll. At least that way they’ll grow up to have a healthy curiosity about experimenting with drugs so that they'll become more interesting to their classmates. This controversy over Huck’s editing is even more upsetting to me than George W. Bush’s autobiography outselling mine over the Christmas season. What are you people going to rewrite the Bible now and refer to Jesus’ crucifixion as a ‘public humiliation and flogging?’ And just for the record – those of you who thought I’d go to straight Hell for my twisted take on mankind should know I’m sitting up here in Heaven shooting the breeze with Jesus most afternoons. Understandably, that guy’s got a really wicked appreciation for irony.”
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