St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday we celebrate on March 17th, which comes right after daylight savings time, adding an extra hour for drinking, and soon after Lincoln and Washington have both seen their shadows while looking for a gopher under a toadstool with a leprechaun drunkenly dozing upon it.
Scholars say that little is known about St. Patrick other than he was actually born to a Romano-British family. Yes, he was really a Guido and a Limey…which means if he hadn’t been kidnapped by Irish hooligans, he could have grown up to be somebody obsessed with colonization who also liked to pinch the native women folk on the ass. Patrick was taken to Ireland by raiders to work as a slave, hauling whiskey barrels around all day without being offered any to drink, and it is believed this was somewhere on the west coast, possibly in Mayo, the home of mayonnaise. Speaking disguised as a plate of bangers and mash, God instructed him to flee Ireland, and return to Britain, where upon landing, he quickly began his studies to become a priest. He was not particularly lucky (see: kidnapping) and there were not many four-leaf clovers easily accessible to him, but that was okay, because he wanted to instruct about the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, and he was able to draft a curriculum using a three-leaf clover. Later, there was some business back on the Emerald Isle with snakes. Knowing that they were never particularly popular residents in the Garden of Eden, Patrick supposedly ran their slithery tails out of Ireland.
Many people wear green on St. Patrick’s Day to celebrate. That is, those people who are lucky enough not to have been raised by a Protestant with a borderline personality disorder who encourages his unwitting children to wear orange to school in the hope that they will get beaten up. In any case, the color originally associated with St. Patrick was blue. It is believed that green was chosen later on as it was the color that best represented the revelers’ faces on the day of the holiday.
Be safe everyone!
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