Lindsay Lohan Sentenced to Introspection

Los Angeles – Fading starlet Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced today after she pleaded no contest to the theft of a necklace that looked like she lifted it from a Claire’s boutique but was supposedly worth $2,500.  The troubled trickster also gave up on appealing her probation violation for her 2007 DUI to save mental energy for her next criminal case.

Lohan was not in court this morning because all of her ho clothes were at the cleaners, but her attorney Shawan Chapman (I must really hate myself) Holly was there to enter her plea.

She was sentenced to three years probation for the theft, ordered to stay the hell out of the store she stole from, attend a Shoplifters (not very) Anonymous program, pay a $180 fine and undergo psychological counseling.

A legal expert following the case told us, “It’s possible that Lindsay will do the jail time she was previously sentenced to under house arrest at home with a new SCRAM bracelet beginning June 17th.  I'm told her old bracelet wore out.  The judge didn’t specify which therapist she should see for psychological counseling, but I know Dr. Drew is out of the running.  The judge feared he’d become a victim of spontaneous human combustion due to ecstasy if she sent Lindsay to him as a client and that would be a breach of his TV contract at HLN.  It won’t be Dr. Phil either, as with Lohan's track record, the court does not need someone whose qualifications are pretty much equivalent to a guy who got his psychology degree from mailing in an offer off of a box top of Captain Crunch.”