New Jersey Residents Demand Governor Christie Displace Flood Waters By Submerging Himself in Them

Paterson, NJ – Flood ravaged New Jersey residents have decided it’s not enough for a Governor just to declare “get the hell off the beach” for the media before a hurricane and are now demanding that Chris Christie step in and use his girth to displace the flood waters caused by Irene.  

Many towns along the Passaic River have been particularly hard hit by flooding and folks are not just sitting back upon their rooftops waiting for President Obama to show up on Sunday to declare it’s a disaster area in person.  One neighborhood organizer, Rocco Battista, told Unsolicited Drivel, “I understand that it’s probably not possible for Christie’s body to function as a damn for da the river after alls the additional rainfall, but me and da neighborhood decided that he certainly could be used to displace da water in folks’ row-houses here in Paterson. I went to community college and I knows all about that there Archimedes' principle.  It doesn’t matta how much Christie weighs, although he’s a fat bastard, don’t get me wrong -  but it’s his humongous mass that could displace alla da water.  Have you seen that bastard?  He’s freaking HUGE.  Anyways, after he sits in everybody’s basements then maybe theys could run a pipe out to a truck send all da water down to those people who really need it in Texas?  But don't be letting that bastard Perry take credit for my idea though. I didn't get it from no prayin'.  I'm what you call a realist. I got losta ideas.  Maybe I should run for Govnah?”