Uncle Sam Announces Huge Yard Sale to Make Up for Crappy Debt Agreement

Washington, DC – The historically bad debt-ceiling agreement reached last night between the President and House and Senate leaders still has to be voted into law, but one iconic American figure, Uncle Sam, isn’t counting on it having any positive effect. Quite the opposite, in fact.

The country’s grizzled mascot complained, “I don’t know what part of the words ‘revenue increase’ this government doesn’t understand.  Save a dime, lose a dollar.  Didn’t one of the founding fathers say that?  I've never seen a business that tried to do things on the cheap succeed.  This deal is complete bunk and if it passes, will not get the country out of the crapper. We’re never going to be able to pay off this debt merely by spending cuts, so I figured I better chip in.  Much to my dismay, I’ve got those folks from Antiques Roadshow coming to appraise the Statue of Liberty and all of the stuff in the Smithsonian to put up for auction.   Mount Rushmore will open up for rock climbing expeditions and I’m also putting up all of the land in the other national parks for sale.  Wait a minute…didn’t the GOP already sell those parcels?  It’s really getting hard to keep track of which parts of the American dream they have already sold out.”