Bigfoot Demands Reality Show to Finally Reveal Himself

(Artist’s rendering)

Portland, OR – “Bigfoot” also known as “Sasquatch,” as known as the “Abominable Snowman” in parts of the world where he’s likely to snack on your Yak (the Himalayas),  has tweeted this week that he’s willing to come out of hiding for good if he can be guaranteed his own reality TV show on the TLC cable network.

Scientists have recently collected some Bigfoot DNA samples but have no other Bigfoot DNA to compare them to and are too to fearful compare them to some of the current stars of reality television.  Particularly - the Kardashians.


Nevertheless, the “Hairy” Houdini disappearance artist of the Pacific Northwest has told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively (after stealing someone's iPhone outside of a Starbucks) that he would finally prove the legend of his existence is true once and for all if he could be guaranteed a prime time reality show on TLC specifically to strong arm the Animal Planet, also of Discovery Communications,  to make those rubes on “Finding Bigfoot” look even more rube-tac-u-lar and then cancel it in short order. 

The great man-like beast told us, “First of all, I plan to pay no taxes on my outrageous salary I will demand. The federal government already doesn’t recognize its indigenous people and immediately protect their Constitutional rights and I was here before the Native Americans, so why bother pleasing those selfish guys?  I do have some conditions for the TLC channel though.  I would have to get top billing over that infantile hilly-billy harridan, Honey Boo Boo.  There is no negotiation on that.  They can keep “Hoarders” on the air though.  You can't possibly imagine how much stuff I’ve stolen from campers who have been blaming the thefts on the bears all of these years!!! I had to pick the lock and load up some human idiot's storage facility.”