Thursday, November 29, 2012

Lindsay Lohan Will Cut a Bitch (Down)

Future black eye/file mug shot
New York - As per usual, ignoring the wisdom of the old adage, “Nothing good ever happens after 2AM," fading starlet and memory of Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor destroyer, Lindsay Lohan, was arrested for assault last night after 4AM nightclub brawl.

According to witnesses, Lohan and the alleged victim, whose name has not been released pending more bruises forming and her filing a law suit against Lohan, the two got into a scuffle after the woman said of Lohan’s latest Lifetime movie “Liz and Dick” something like, “I’ve seen better performances in barnyards – by chickens who have just had their heads cut off.  They certainly seemed less bored than you did during that piece of shit movie.”

Police were called quickly to the scene, hauling Lohan off in handcuffs while she was wailing her usual battle cry, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!”

Unsolicited Drivel
spoke with Lindsay’s latest new manager (who will probably quit by tomorrow) and he told us, “I know you haters out there feel like Christmas just came early, but I hope you will show Ms. Lohan some compassion.  Obviously, bitch-slapping a bar-fly is going to be a probation violation, on top of her other probation violation of lying to police about her car crash last summer, so I fear it is likely she will end up back in the pokey.  She has had a very bad week. She’s tough and she was handling the scathing reviews of her Lifetime movie quite well until a friend in LA told her that flowers had been arriving by the truckload at Forest Lawn cemetery from Dame Elizabeth Taylor’s fans to express sympathy over the film.  For you non-haters, there is some good news at least as far as Lindsay tax problems are concerned.  Her accountant tells me she will probably have enough mug shots by now to publish a 2013 calendar. And if we include her incoherent late night Tweets as well as the pictures, it should sell in record numbers and she will no longer have to risk getting crabs from Charlie Sheen for another tax loan to pay her debt to the IRS.”

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