Nicolas Cage Slowly Less Caged in by Tax Debt

Los Angeles – Formerly funny, then serious, then action star, actor Nicolas Cage, is slowly digging his way out of a $13 million debt to the IRS (with a jewel-encrusted spoon once owned by Henry VIII) after hiring an accountant with all of the brain power of maybe a lemming who took Nic along with him sailing over a fiscal cliff.
 
Unsolicited Drivel spoke with the vaguely creepy actor and he told us, “Uhhhhhh it’s like, true.  I paid the IRS back $600,000 this year.  It’s tough though because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I like to spend a bit of money.  I had to have the Home Shopping Network blocked from my cable.  I have exercised some restraint though.  Hey, I didn’t buy that really cool chandelier made out of Cro-Magnon men skulls I wanted, the actual Bugatti car that exotic dancer chick Isadora Duncan nearly snapped her head off in from the 20s, the Giant Panda comforter I wanted for my waterbed, a weather machine, or the flock of African penguins that I thought would look totally rad hanging by my salt water pool.  The good news is I’ve got a ton of film work lined up to get the G-men off my back.  Fans can look forward to Kick-Ass 3,4,5, & 6.  Then Ghost Rider 2: Still Totally Out for Vengeance and Even More Flaming.  Travolta and I are thinking about making a sequel to Face-Off, only this time we would switch brains.  We might bring back Con-Air and have the inmates parachute off while crashing the plane into the villainous Goldman-Sachs building to keep in tune with America's troubled financial times...which I can soooooo relate to.  And I’m also doing National Treasure 3 where we finally find that President Obama dude’s birth certificate.”