Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Lindsay Lohan is “Sick.” Will Miss Court - AGAIN

Like, cough, cough, yeah.
New York, NY – Crashing and burning adult child actor Lindsay Lohan will not be at her scheduled probation violation hearing tomorrow for (Lying to police? Sending Liz Taylor’s entire fan base to shrinks? Stealing the Hope Diamond?  We've lost track.)  Lohan’s new lawyer-o-the-moment claims she has an upper respiratory infection and it would be a danger for her to fly and to others.  He further added, "America is much safer if Lindsay stays on the ground.  Driving her Porsche and clipping Au pairs and their strollers in Soho."

It has been reported that whichever judge drew the small straw for the latest hearing to preside over America’s hottest mess who’s not on meth yet (that we know of) is NOT going to be pleased.  And her New York lawyer Mark Heller (Who also represented another delusional person: Son of Sam) has not has even been approved to represent her in California yet.  Her former attorney Shawn Holley was forced to withdraw because working with Lindsay gave her the first known medical case of adult onset Tourette's syndrome and that wouldn’t work very well for Shawn as a public mouthpiece.

We at Unsolicited Drivel have been informed that tomorrow will end badly for Lindsay, because not only was she seen running around in the cold without her famous torn leggings and smoking all weekend - the physician’s note she had her assistant forge for her was signed by a Dr. Bombay*.
*Sapphire

UPDATE: Lohan has flown in a panic to L.A. to possibly show up to court, even asking Shawn Holley to represent her, leaving Holley to question why she ever decided to take the bar exam in the first place.


1 comments so far :

Shawn C.H. said...

You Honor, SH*T! Mother F*cker! If it may please the court. Cocks*cker!

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