Man Tries to Commit Suicide to Avoid Today Show Coverage

My wax job is better than yours!

New York – Now that Today host Matt Lauer has finally figured out Twitter six years after the rest of the Earth, he tweeted a disturbing message about a man slitting his wrists on the plaza outside The Today Show this morning!

The plaza had to be evacuated and the NYPD accomplished securing it very quickly and saved remaining  fans from the rest of the Thursday broadcast.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with the suicide attempter, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity.  While waiting to be ignored in the emergency room he told us, “People are rioting in Turkey over plans to turn their equivalent of Central Park, Gezi Park, into a shopping mall and being clubbed like baby seals by police and the Today producers have that Giardia de Laurentiis or whatever the hell that bobble-head chef's name is making carrot cake cupcakes with Pesto cream cheese frosting while Savannah Guthrie and Natalie Morales have a leg-wax-off contest dangling their gams off the sofa while they all hope for another tornado so they can put on their frowny faces. Then when they got to the fourth hour and I saw Kathie-Lee do the equivalent of a beer bong with Chardonnay, I just snapped like a twig.  What can I say? Other than maybe they should pave over Today and put up a parking lot. Good Morning America is going to need more parking spots when they add more fans.”

(For Pete K.)