Area Shopper Really Tried Not “Get Into It” With the Employee at Merchant Mike’s Today

Lincoln Park, IL – A local woman, trying to obtain ingredients to go with her latest fad diet, found herself totally stoked after visiting the only store in her area rumored to carry them.   Patrice Weiner complained, “Unbelievable. I’d say I go there for their nuts, but it’s too much of an obvious pun. It was like they never even heard of a diet rich in mono-unsaturated fats! They were all sold out of unprocessed macadamia nut kernel husk oil and the clerk just said to me, ‘It was s’posed to be here on Friday. Let me just ask the manager.' (Pause, pause, walk out the storeroom to take a couple of puffs off his smoldering Clove cigarette butt he left to come out and pretend to help me in the first place, and then returns again) 'Uh, he's not here today. Like, can’t you just get that stuff in the at the regular grocery store?’ Like I wouldn’t have an emotional and spiritual breakdown if I were placed in the same building with Hostess Snowballs? Why don’t I just whip out my Swiss Army knife right now and perform a bypass on myself before your bloodshot eyes you dreadlocked douche-bag? Do you even use your store's products? And if you do, then should I just go ahead and kill myself now? Simply wearing a Hawaiian shirt doesn’t qualify you to pretend to provide customer service to neurotic people trying to give a shit about their health. I’m going to have to smudge myself with sage in the car on the way home just to wipe out your burnout clerk aura.”