Fantasy Super Bowl Half Time Show Ideas

The Who is playing the halftime show at this Sunday’s Super Bowl, proving everything old is new again and only 21 years after their “Who’s Last” tour…and about 15 years after their “Who Forgot to Pay the IRS?” tour…and a mere 7 years after the “Who Needs Bail Money?” tour.  However, these tired old chestnuts could maybe bring welcome relief to some of the alternatives that the NFL has dreamed up in the past, including bejeweled Janet nipples.  But still, as “talking about their generation” may also now include getting ‘round in a scooter, it seems like a pretty conservative choice to us.  So, we took it upon ourselves to think of ways to liven up the Super Bowl half time show and came up with these ideas for fantasy football follies:

1. The Jackson Children and the 150 Guys Claiming Paternity of Them
Prince Michael, Paris and Baby Blankie take the stage to spread their dad’s message of peace, love, hope and environmentalism with the 150 or so dudes who claim they could be their bio dads on stage behind them lip-synching to the new and improved “We Are The World” track.  The skeletal remains of the Elephant Man will perform interpretive dance simultaneously, backlit, from behind a screen to be broadcast on the jumbo-tron.

2. Cranky Old Guy From “Up” & The Eminent Domain Dancers
The Super Bowl is no stranger to cheesy, Disney-inspired half time shows, and no doubt there is already an “Up” ride at Disneyland, or at least in the works.  So, as a sign of the of the current economic situation, may we suggest that there’s never been more relevant time to feature a show about losing everything you’ve worked hard for your entire life in a battle against corporate greed?  Ed Asner could ride around the football field in a tea-cup with balloons attached and rap about the soulless developers of America trying to turn his home sweet home into a shopping mall.  To bring the gay audience back that was lost through bigoted advertising choices, Marget Cho could play that vaguely Asian looking kid, Russell, and Lady Gaga would be a dead ringer for the 13 foot flightless bird, Kevin.

3. Elvis Serenades the People of Wal-Mart
Featuring an “Elvis Impersonator,” but due to a battle with Lisa Marie and the Church of Scientology, no actual Elvis songs, they could present some 50s sock-hop or rockabilly kind of studio tracks with lyrics including Wal-Mart specials and featuring a dance troupe of mullet-headed men with special guests, the “Tramp Stamp Two-Steppers.”   Other original songs could include tracks like, “Blue Suede Smock,” “I Can’t Help Falling in Aisle 5 Thanks to You Never Cleaning Up,” and “In the White Trash Ghetto.”