Ocean View, NJ – In an effort to remain a staple in the diets of elementary school kids with no attention spans, and ignoring the adage, “if it ain’t broke fix it,” Pepperidge Farm Goldfish “keep screwing around,” at least according to one angry self-proclaimed snackologist. Andy Johnson complained, “Man, I remember when they just used to be those little puffy cheddar or pretzel fish. Then, they had to go and put the smiles on them and they didn’t crunch right any more. Then they went and put football helmets on them, which looked nothing like football helmets at all, but more like they had brain tumors growing on the outside of their deformed heads. Another time, they had them dressed up like pirates, but correct me if I’m wrong - goldfish are indigenous to fresh water, not salt water, and I’ve never heard of a pirate pilfering outside of the high seas. Then they introduce them in rainbow colors, which makes me want to puke in Technicolor from just from thinking about eating them. If you’ve ever had green beer, you know what I mean. After that, they decide they have to be ‘giant’ goldfish. So what, now they have to be Japanese Koi? Today I see they not only have ‘babies,’ which may as well be ‘molecules’ but also now have ‘Harvest Cheddar,’ with an entire serving of vegetables. Wasn’t it bad enough when somebody decided to put chicken in a biscuit? I wish Pepperidge Farm would remember when the hell goldfish used to be just damn cheese crackers."
Please note this urgent comment:
Hello, my name is the Frito Bandito and I approved this message: if anyone at Pepperidge Farm is looking for an unemployed offensive racial stereotype cracker logo character, please contact me.
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