Where Did All of Fergie’s Money Go?

London - News came to light over the weekend that Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, was caught on video selling access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew, in an undercover sting operation funded by the Machiavellian Rupert Murdoch with his “News of the World” reporter.

Fergie issued a tearful apology to friends and family in a phone call yesterday, but we have to ask how she arrived in this “desperate” and “very bad place?” Isn’t the Queen worth about $800 kajillion dollars?  And allegedly, she never wanted to bitch-slap Sarah as much as she did Diana.

The Duchess got a lousy divorce settlement for sure, but didn’t she get to live rent-free at Andrew’s place? So where did all of her money go?

We asked some Brits for their ideas of what she spent the money on and they speculated:

Paid an assistant to do all of her actual Weight Watching, had them calculate the points allowed on custom-made diamond abacus and would only eat portions if they were expertly weighed on a priceless antique scale of solid platinum and prepared by Gordon Ramsey.

Hired Madonna to consult at an astronomic fee on writing and marketing boring children’s books written by moms whose kids are raised by nannies in a session that lasted well over a fortnight.

Was top bidder on Imelda Marcos shoe collection on eBay.

Thrice-weekly mani-pedis, complete with those flesh-eating fish, all in the hope for more toe sucking someday.

Hired shamans and holistic healers to conduct regular ceremonies to help the Windsors regain their senses of humor which they were royal-bound to lose at birth.