Tea Party Insistent That Jesus Hates Manatees

Crystal River, FL – Try not to have a (sea) cow when you read this, but a Tea Party group in Florida is trying to kill manatees because Jesus told them it’s okay.

The manatee haters and very likely drunken boaters known in impolite circles as the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots is calling for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to ease their boating restrictions so that they can kill the slow-moving herbivores with their speedboats without incident.   They are angrily complaining because the Bible says, "we cannot elevate nature above people."  A spokesperson for the group further added, "If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."

While a fictional manatee has already weighed in via Twitter about the controversial Tea Party group, we wondered what a real manatee would think?  They have the roughly the same intelligence level as a dolphin and are quite communicative.  We asked a marine biologist for help and they located a manatee, told her about the diabolical right wing plan, and reported that as far as he could tell the manatee indicated that she would rather throw herself into a boat propeller than spend any time with a human from the Tea Party.

We relayed this shocking comment from the manatee to the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots and they did not seem to lose any momentum regarding their murderous plans.  One party member told us, “Those fat, Bill o’ Rights stripping sea cows are just first on our hit list.  We also want to be able to shoot them spotted owls and possums out of the trees because they’re blocking out our clear view of God.  That's the plan.  And we already got a  call into Ted Nugent too!”