Cartoonist Clay Bennett Never Disappoints

MSNBC Not Crazy Enough For Big Ratings

She's too rational for herself...too rational for herself...

New York - Bad news for the anchors at MSNBC.  Even after a month of disasters including the Oklahoma tornado, the new-n’-improved-Casey Anthony Jodi Arias’ sensationalistic murder trial and the IRS spying on a political party that is dumb-ass-backwards enough to name itself after tax dodgers, the cable news network fell into 4th place. In fact, the network saw its lowest ratings since 2007!

Unsolicited Drivel asked our media analyst for comment on the network’s decline.  She told us, “It’s disappointing for them.  They certainly have some of the more intelligent anchors. But unfortunately, they just can’t bring the crazy like Fox or CNN and America gets crazier by the day.  We can thank the religious right and the gun nuts for that as well as the media that reports on them incessantly when they are actually a minor portion of our American population.  But MSNBC doesn’t do very well at sensationalism and they often have their facts straight and are kind of quiet. Of course Chris Matthews is pretty shouty, but he looks like that tweety bird from Bugs Bunny so it’s hard to concentrate on what he’s saying. Al Sharpton? I have no clue what he’s saying. Rachel Maddow is very sporty with her striped bass fishing and suave with her drink mixing, so if she could convince middle America she was actually a man, she’d probably pull in more viewers. Although there’s no guarantee there. I'll have go with a maybe. But Rachel’s still not an alleged phone hacker like CNN's Piers Morgan. Being a criminal is pretty sexy to America right now. Especially during this economy. I think really the only solution for MSNBC to boost ratings is to start reporting fake news like CNN did with the Boston bombing.  That way viewers will tune in just to watch the f*ck ups.”

UPDATE: This just in. The jury in Arizona has sentenced Jodi Arias to spending a weekend with Governor Jan Brewer as to not take the blame for handing out the death penalty. This way, Ms. Arias' fate of spontaneous human combustion is guaranteed. We scooped MSNBC!

They Really DO Deserve Each Other

The masterful Clay Bennett strikes again!

As I Drink My Green Tea (Which Will Not Wake Me Up)...

One American States: Koch Brothers Should Switch to Selling Cocaine

Not the REAL Kochs, but how we assume they look...

Washington, DC - One American insisted recently that the Koch brothers, Charles and David, who typically sell products to wipe your ass (toilet paper), would probably do the nation more good by selling something that matched the pronunciation of their name - coke - (aka) cocaine.

An associate of theirs that works at the Libertarian affiliated Cato Institute told Unsolicited Drivel, "Hey, if we had any idea that the Tea Party would end up to be filled with a bunch of lard-ass, assassins of the English language AND Michele Bachmann, I'm pretty sure Chuck and Dave would have thought twice about being the chief financial backers.  They can spell and even string sentences together despite being just professional inheritors.  In fact,  now they have decided to just stick to voter intimidation at their paper plants (even if everyone can't speak English), and the various other b'jillion industries they still own which enable them to try to brainwash the American public at will.  Funny story…I'm only working at the Cato Institute because I was busted for doing coke and couldn't become a lawyer!  Four years of snorting blow through college because I'm not cool in real life down the drain.  Plus, I still have to hang out with cement heads everyday…which is EXACTLY like having a coke hangover.  All things considered, I wish the Koch brothers would actually switch to selling coke. How great would that branding be, baby?!?  They could still sell plenty of tissues from their paper plants and everyone in the Tea Party might seem more intellectual.  Except for Bachmann, of course."

The Conservative Brain Explained

I’m Not a Racist, I Just Play One in DC

…at least when I attend Tea Party rallies. Come on.  Have at me.  There’s nothing you can say to convince me that the Tea Party’s roots aren’t in racism.  All that’s missing from rallies above the Virginia state line are the stars and bars.  Seriously.  And that was the case with the “Stand With Arizona” rally in Washington, DC.

As you may be aware, the Supreme Court was hearing arguments against Arizona’s controversial SB-1070 immigration law yesterday and I decided to join the Greater Phoenix Tea Party to pretend to support them as I’ve been cooped up a lot lately and needed some wildlife sightings.  

Sadly, and gladly, there were not many Tea Party supporters there.  Their numbers are dwindling fast.  Open-minded people outnumbered them probably by three to one. I really thought that the Arizonans would bus in the Confederacy from Northern Virginia to fill out the crowd, but they did not.  They insisted that the Tea Party NEVER buses its members into town (Hello?  See Glenn Beck’s Misinformed-Patriot-A-Thon of August 2010) but the liberals ALWAYS do.  Hey, Tea Party!  If you don’t bus people in, why is the Metro nearly empty whenever you have a rally? When the very liberal Jon Stewart held his rally, the train stations were packed like sardines, you lying, liars.  

Ironically, as the Tea Party professes to be chock-full o’ Jesus loving Christians, all of the religious representation yesterday was on the liberal left side.  I also found it ironic that the Tea Party was positioned on the left side of the court for the rally and the liberals were positioned on the right.  Ha!  I love irony.  

As ALWAYS, one will be treated to seeing the Z-List country singers for entertainment.  You won’t see Blake Shelton at these events…even though he allegedly hates “the homos” too.  Some of the delightful lyrics included “Racism, racism, racism…” in an effort to declare they are not racist, “This is the U.S. of A., not the U.S.S. of A!” because we have to have a reference to communism, and “English is still the language of these United States!”  

Alleged "homo hater."

Speaking of “the homos,” this guy REALLY hated them which screams to me that he’s on the down low.  He disapproved of them having “special rights.”  What special rights? He must live under a rock somewhere.  And people do crawl out from under rocks whenever there is a protest of any kind.  In addition to gay marriage, they were protesting against nuclear energy and abortion.  Like this guy, who I have re-named Ol’ Fetus Hand.

Some of the lines in the conservatives’ speeches included:

• “Illegals take priority over law-abiding citizens.”
• “They are trespassers!”
• “We only have compassion for our neighbors.”
• “They are stealing our jobs and our classroom space.”
• “It’s like they broke into your living room and are sitting on your couch!”
• “Our (tax) money is wasted on border patrol."

And other choice remarks.

Toward the end of the rally, what I can only call a “brigade” of students showed up to protest.  Multiple ethnicities, but they were American citizens.  I’m sure the Tea Partiers were probably thinking something along the line of, “Dang!  Anchor babies!!”

It’s not looking good for the possible overturning of Arizona SB-1070 with the current make-up of the Supreme Court and even the sole Latina justice, Sotomayor, seemed to take issue with how the arugment was presented - weakly. Regardless, the law does seem to provide A LOT of leeway for racial profiling and in the words of the liberal protestors yesterday, “We don’t have the right to legalize hate.”  We didn’t, but apparently that may change.  All we can do is pay attention to which lawmakers suggest the justices for the bench, how the justices vote and show up to vote ourselves.  Perhaps that’s the best argument against any American believing that their vote doesn’t count.

Thank yourself, Granny Hate.

Arizona SB1070 at SCOTUS: April 25, 2012

Drivel Lady goes to what may be one of the last Tea Parties...commentary to follow.  Click here for the slideshow.

Yeah, thanks for giving me the creeps.

Stand with Arizona Rally at the Supreme Court

I think I'm going to hang with these folks tomorrow.  Should be a LOVELY crowd :-(

Stand with Arizona Rally at the Supreme Court - Eventbrite

Pictures/commentary to follow!

Is the Tea Party Trying to Take Over the "Occupy" Movement Now?

Wouldn't surprise me. Time I've spent with them, they've always come across as greedy f*cks.

see more epicfails

Hank Williams Jr. is Not Ready for Some Unemployment

Country (coasting on my dad’s name) crooner Hank Williams Jr. is under fire this week for controversial comments he made about President Obama and Speaker Boehner’s golf summit last summer.   

Williams stated on Fox and Blonde Helmet-Haired Woman Showing Cleavage, that the day on the links was "one of the biggest political mistakes ever,” and that "It would be like Hitler playing golf with Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu."

ESPN quickly dropped Williams’ musical introduction to Monday Night Football and Williams is now scrambling to prove that he is “misunderstood,” after declaring President Obama and Vice President Biden “the enemy.”

Williams is the third singer in as many weeks that has created controversy for remarks about the American government.  Tony Bennett came under fire after implying the U.S. military presence in Saudi Arabia led to 9/11™ and at the opposite end of the spectrum, far right singer Pat Boone made controversial remarks because what came out of his mouth wasn’t a song lyric.

Hank Williams Jr.'s PR people continue to do damage control, yet are finding themselves extremely challenged considering the people he made the remarks about.  One of his reps told Unsolicited Drivel, “No.  It’s not what you’re thinking.  That wasn’t the launch of Hank’s Tennessee Tea Party senate campaign.  I’ll tell you, this gaffe has been a tough one.  Everybody loves football so we believe they at least have some fondness for Hank regardless of his politics as he’s done the opening to the Monday night show for years.  We thought about spinning this more to the left and suggesting that Hank was implying that Obama was Netanyahu and Boehner was Hitler, but then we realized that wouldn’t fly either.  Because unlike Speaker Boehner, Hitler actually created jobs.”

NPR Becomes “Streetwise” by Hiring New CEO from Sesame Workshop

National Public Radio announced Sunday that it has named a new president and CEO, Gary Knell, and he comes to the network after serving as the chief executive behind public television’s Sesame Street.
Knell has said he hopes to “calm the waters” by replacing the embattled Vivian Schiller, who resigned last May from NPR after a scandal broke when one of their top fundraisers was caught publicly complaining that the Tea Party had nothing to do with consuming tea.

No changes at the network have been announced formally just yet, but it is believed that Knell will try and make NPR more kid friendly to garner future donors for when the government finally succeeds in stripping all funding for public broadcasting to coddle "job creators."  But a possible shake-up could be forthcoming with the hosts of the regular programs at the very least.  Insiders say that some changes have indeed already been decided and that Cookie Monster has been tapped to replace Lynne Rossetto Kasper on The Splendid Table; The Count will be hosting Marketplace Money; Bert, but really mostly Ernie, will be waking up America with Morning Edition; and Grover and Elmo (aka: the poor man’s Grover) will be hosting All Things Considered.  NPR couldn’t find a place in the new line-up for Oscar the Grouch,  so it's rumored that he’ll be moving to Fox News.

Sarah Palin Wants You to Know That “Polls” are for Strippers

Indianola, Iowa – Speaking to about a tenth of the sheeple yesterday who usually show up at rallies to hear her screech, Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin told the crowd, “You are the hope, not that hopey, changey, hopey, changey.  Hopey changey didn’t create one single job.*  Just like you, I’m not for sale.  Except at these events.  Oh, and polls are for strippers and skiers and Gallup polls are for horses and ponies. The father, son and the Holy Ghost wouldn’t go on vacation if somebody downgraded their credit either.  No sirree Bob!  Thanks, and God bless.”

Palin still did not commit to running for president in 2012 and a large number of Republicans don’t even want her to run, including a very large Republican in the form of Karl Rove.  However, she clearly displayed no knowledge of how the word pole can be spelled, which is unfortunate as that might be necessary to know once the first of one her daughters** becomes a stripper.

*What about the jobs created by the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act in infrastructure, education, health and energy, you harping dip-shit?

**Willow

Iowa Tea Party Rescinds Rejection of Christine O’Donnell

Indianola, Iowa – An Iowa political group, Tea Party for American White People of Limited Education, has changed its mind and re-invited Delaware Republican former senate candidate/former witch Christine O’Donnell back to their rally this Saturday.

O’Donnell was to take the stage with former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin this Labor Day weekend at the group’s “Restoring America by Stripping Away One Entitlement at a Time” rally, then was uninvited yesterday and then re-invited all in the amount of time it takes to detassel a stalk of corn.

An organizer for the group told Unsolicited Drivel, “We’re making room for her.  There was some discontent over her talking to that Piers Morgan CNN guy at all because many in the group believe he’s one of them illegals and that network’s for commies too.  Christine was so upset we canceled on her that she offered to let Dick Cheney waterboard her at a book signing as a show of dedication to the cause.  So we took pity on her.   Besides, Palin won’t appeal to Saturday’s entire crowd.  She’s kinda high-falutin’ now and we decided needed another lady grifter to relate to the low-rent district."

Ad Agencies Warn Clients Glenn Beck May Run Out of People to Offend

New York - Media buying experts have warned advertisers this week that it’s more than entirely possible that radio personality Glenn Beck may run out of people to offend and lose all of his listeners that buy junky stuff and gold coin scams.

At the tail end of Beck’s “Restoring Courage” event he held in Israel for some reason, the blowhard said "I love the Israelis. I love the Jewish people. But they drive me out of my mind when they talk over each other. They're constantly talking! I don't know how that society even functions."

When asked about Beck’s latest and greatest, one Madison Avenue expert stated, “I don’t think we have a complete list of everyone he’s insulted and/or offended.  We’re still waiting on our fact checker to get back to us on all of his offenses.  Controversy builds ratings.   Beck does it with asinine rhetoric, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigot burn through so many ethic groups outside of a Klansman in the Deep South.  Be that as it may, he’s still going to run out of groups to offend and unless aliens arrive and try to colonize Earth for him to make offensive remarks about, I can’t recommended in good conscience buying ads on his show much past this calendar year.”

Polls Show Most Americans Would Not Have Tea with the Tea Party

According to a recent poll conducted among people that like to take polls, the American public’s general opinion on the Tea Party political movement can now be described as “less favorable than the thought of having to have a boil lanced off of their asses with a dirty X-Acto knife.”

The recent debt ceiling debate has given people a more concrete view of the Tea Party and its objectives and has also made many people want to encase them physically in concrete.  Specifically, 40% of Americans said they would rather have root canal than listen Grover Norquist explain how we can maintain infrastructure without taxes, which was a substantial rise from 18% last year.  Additionally, 46% said they would rather gnaw their own arms off than have to sit at a table at a Michele Bachmann for president fundraiser.  Democrats were most likely to hold the most negative views of the Tea Party, but it is believed that's only because they read the newspaper.  Independents also shared a negative view of the Tea Party, but were also most definitely in agreement that our two controlling political parties in America and all of their subsets should just go f**k themselves.

Tea Party Insistent That Jesus Hates Manatees

Crystal River, FL – Try not to have a (sea) cow when you read this, but a Tea Party group in Florida is trying to kill manatees because Jesus told them it’s okay.

The manatee haters and very likely drunken boaters known in impolite circles as the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots is calling for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to ease their boating restrictions so that they can kill the slow-moving herbivores with their speedboats without incident.   They are angrily complaining because the Bible says, "we cannot elevate nature above people."  A spokesperson for the group further added, "If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."

While a fictional manatee has already weighed in via Twitter about the controversial Tea Party group, we wondered what a real manatee would think?  They have the roughly the same intelligence level as a dolphin and are quite communicative.  We asked a marine biologist for help and they located a manatee, told her about the diabolical right wing plan, and reported that as far as he could tell the manatee indicated that she would rather throw herself into a boat propeller than spend any time with a human from the Tea Party.

We relayed this shocking comment from the manatee to the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots and they did not seem to lose any momentum regarding their murderous plans.  One party member told us, “Those fat, Bill o’ Rights stripping sea cows are just first on our hit list.  We also want to be able to shoot them spotted owls and possums out of the trees because they’re blocking out our clear view of God.  That's the plan.  And we already got a  call into Ted Nugent too!”

The Best of Michele Bachmann: Presented by Sheep

Tea Party and GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has GOT to be crazy if she thinks the media (come on, Keith Olbermann!) won't have a field day with all of the government subsidies she's received over the years. I won't count the foster children stipends, but between her family farm and her Christian "mental health" clinic, she's received quite a chunk of change from her sworn enemy Uncle Sam.  Below are some doozies of comments she's let loose that I find the craziest.  I chose sheep for obvious reasons.  Plus, a chicken with its head cut off would be gross. Enjoy.

(Source)

Glenn Beck Wants to Tea Party With Oprah

When CNN’s new Piers Morgan Tonight aired last night, while most viewers were realizing the various challenges that made Oprah Winfrey the overachiever she is today, radio clown Glenn Beck was hoping to add her to his circle of cronies.

Oprah was discussing the necessary evil of paying taxes and indicated that early on, she signed the IRS checks while sipping wine, but now it’s more likely she has to chug Tequila to get her John Hancock scrawled. 

This revelation led simpleton Beck to think that he and lady “O” could be new B.F.F.s, as he indicated that if only he didn’t have to pay taxes for say, infrastructure, roads, things like that, he’d be as generous and charitable as Oprah.  “She gets it,” he blubbered with glee.  In an effort to further decrease his credibility, Beck also took the time to make a moronic comment about proposed high-speed “bullet” trains* (to be paid for with HIS taxes) inciting violence.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with Oprah’s camp about Beck’s fantasy that he could share something in common with the legitimate media professional.  They told us, “Oprah might sigh about getting writer's cramp signing IRS checks, but like most rational people, she’s a huge fan of roads, fire departments, and social services in general.  We’re not sure she even knows who Glenn Beck is, but if she were to become aware of him and realize he was comparing himself to her, she’d probably order a case of Patron and then offer to pay Glenn's taxes as well just to get him to shut the hell up.”


*People in the Washington, DC area have the longest daily commute outside of Los Angeles Glenn, leading to me to believe we would be more than okay putting our tax dollars toward your violent "bullet" trains you dip-shit.