Justin Bieber Happy to Distract Americans from Government Shutdown by Reminding Everyone He’s a D*ck

With six, you get egg roll.

China – Stepping up to be a distraction from real news (as his soon to be ex-friend Miley Cyrus was gracious enough to do last month), boy singer Justin Bieber just wanted to remind everyone worldwide including his biggest fan base in America this week that he’s still a self-absorbed little ass-weasel. Bieber has infected the Internet by posting those blurry photos* (everyone seems like for some reason) this time of him having bodyguards carry him along the Great Wall of China.

The luxury car-speeding-neighbor spitting on-monkey-abandoning pop sensation is currently on tour in the United States’ biggest shareholder to promote his “Believe” (I’m a dick) tour and thought the Great Wall climb would make a brilliant publicity stunt as the Chinese government warned him that twerking would result in ass amputation. When reached for comment Bieber rambled, “Yo! Happy to keep the real news offa the saddy, sad, news, yo!” Bieber also defended the tasteless stunt by claiming to have rescued some of the iPhone 5 workers from Apple Computer to take them on a field trip for the day. But it’s clear from the photos in the link above, that many of his "slaves" are American, or even Canadian.

One Unsolicited Drivel reader told us, “I’m pretty grateful to the little twerp really. I had planned to build a pipe bomb and throw in on the Capitol steps over the government shutdown due them being complete ass-hats in Congress, but now I think I’ll send the bomb to the little bubble gum-forget-it-as-you-hear-it music-making narcissist. He’s Canadian. He has government subsidized healthcare, right?”

*InstaCrap??

Just Kill Me Now

Ghost of Anne Frank to Justin Bieber: “As if!!”

Amsterdam – Increasingly delusional bubblegum pop star, Justin Bieber, came under fire (but should probably have been gassed) over the weekend when he suggested that if the late Anne Frank was alive today he hoped she would be one of his (also delusional) fans.

As is common practice here at the Unsolicited Drivel office, we whipped out our Ouija board to contact the spirit of the Jewish Holocaust icon.  Ms. Frank told us:

“Justin Bieber?  As if!!  His lyrics in, what’s that song?... Baby, make Hava Nagila seem like Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Now were I alive when Mark Wahlberg was leading Marky Marky and the Funky bunch, I’d hit me some of that Marky Mark action for sure!  I don’t understand why Mr. Bieber thinks that someone with more than half a brain would be fanatical about his music?  Maybe he got a bad batch of hash in Amsterdam over the weekend?   I suggest he should just get it over with and marry that other entitled, self-involved little lunatic.  What’s her name?  Oh yes.  Lindsay Lohan! Then they can ego each other to death.  I can’t imagine what Hitler would have done to both of them in Germany! But unlike me, they probably would have deserved it."

What's All of This Controversy About Justin Bieber's Monkey?

Justin Bieber Has Shown More Balls Lately...

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This Week In Lying Tabloids: Valentine's Day Version!