Justin Bieber Happy to Distract Americans from Government Shutdown by Reminding Everyone He’s a D*ck

With six, you get egg roll.

China – Stepping up to be a distraction from real news (as his soon to be ex-friend Miley Cyrus was gracious enough to do last month), boy singer Justin Bieber just wanted to remind everyone worldwide including his biggest fan base in America this week that he’s still a self-absorbed little ass-weasel. Bieber has infected the Internet by posting those blurry photos* (everyone seems like for some reason) this time of him having bodyguards carry him along the Great Wall of China.

The luxury car-speeding-neighbor spitting on-monkey-abandoning pop sensation is currently on tour in the United States’ biggest shareholder to promote his “Believe” (I’m a dick) tour and thought the Great Wall climb would make a brilliant publicity stunt as the Chinese government warned him that twerking would result in ass amputation. When reached for comment Bieber rambled, “Yo! Happy to keep the real news offa the saddy, sad, news, yo!” Bieber also defended the tasteless stunt by claiming to have rescued some of the iPhone 5 workers from Apple Computer to take them on a field trip for the day. But it’s clear from the photos in the link above, that many of his "slaves" are American, or even Canadian.

One Unsolicited Drivel reader told us, “I’m pretty grateful to the little twerp really. I had planned to build a pipe bomb and throw in on the Capitol steps over the government shutdown due them being complete ass-hats in Congress, but now I think I’ll send the bomb to the little bubble gum-forget-it-as-you-hear-it music-making narcissist. He’s Canadian. He has government subsidized healthcare, right?”

*InstaCrap??

Bosses Nearly Lynched for Only Giving African Americans Off From Work on Presidents Day

Bethesda, MD - Two area CEOs were almost lynched (to a degree yesterday) for only offering the African American employees off on the national Presidents Day holiday.

Malcolm and Montague Doke told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, “It was ugly day here Acquisitions-R-Us.  We gave the Negroes, we still call them that, a day off because of that traitorous President Lincoln they are so fond of and my Latina maid had told me it was Black History month.  So we thought ‘it’s a double holiday for those folks.  How nice! That almost makes up for everything!! Maybe even for our being paid 47 times the rate of our employees?’  But then the white workers figured it out once they stopped checking Facebook or playing fantasy football.  Thankfully their weapon of choice is an iPhone 5 or one of those Droid phones.  Malcolm said he hardly felt the flying text machine hit his head.”