Lady Gaga Cancels Tour; Madonna Still Pissed Off

Get well soon?

New York – Sad news for Little Monsters the world over today as Lady Gaga has announced she’s cancelling the rest of her tour due to a hip injury. But we were told the news still wasn’t enough to keep one aging pop tart from wanting to express her displeasure if she could still move her face – Madonna. While Madonna has been on her “I’m an Aging Cheerleader Tour,” (the highest grossing tour as she forced people to buy an album with their ticket) she has been very outspoken and critical of Gaga when she has not been trying to show how controversial she can be to prove she still has a vagina.

An assistant of an assistant of a nanny of one of Madonna’s hand-purchased children told Unsolicited Drivel, “Her heinous, I mean Madonna, is still jealous of Gaga, even though Gaga dyed her hair brown now and doesn’t remotely resemble her. I told Madonna the news after her 14-hour yoga session yesterday and she was immediately dismissive.  She threw a wheat grass smoothie in my face and then started making cracks like now that Gaga had broken a hip she could just go FULL Liza Minnelli route - into semi-retirement and keep marrying gay guys. A LOT of gay guys. Unfortunately for her, Gaga can actually compose her own music and play the piano.  So even if she ends up looking like Madonna’s favorite hater, Sir Elton John,  you know, kind of like a dough-boy with a Cinnabon on her head, she’d still be able to fill the stadium seats.  Did I mention to you yet that I was fired this morning?”

Good Thing Lady Gaga Got a Record Contract

Madonna to Gaga: You’re Not Me!

Tel Aviv – Aging pop superstar Madonna is apparently continuing to show her distaste publicly over younger upstart and alleged plagiarist Lady Gaga.  While rehearsing for her “You Got Stuck With My New Album Because You Bought Tickets to See Me Shake My Booty” tour, Madonna was filmed performing a mash-up of her song “Express Yourself” with Gaga’s “Born This Way” because she had previously complained that Gaga ripped off her 80s hit that she wrote to dupe gay men into liking her despite her not being on par with Liza or Barbra.  Madonna even went so far as to end the routine with the lyrics “you’re not me” repeated over and over. 

Unsolicited Drivel contacted Madonna’s carefully oiled P.R. machine about her catty display and they told us, “No, Lady Gaga is not Madonna. But Madonna was not criticizing her talent as a performer.  She was taking issue with Gaga’s shying away from making tabloid headlines. I mean, seriously!  How does Gaga plan to remain filthy rich well after she leaps past menopause in her platform heels unless she’s willing to sleep with guys whose balls haven’t dropped yet, or cross artistic genres when she shouldn’t to make films no one wants to see?”

When reached for comment about Madonna’s public swipe at the star, Lady Gaga’s camp told us, “No, Gaga is not comfortable with having her private life exposed constantly to her little monsters, as she is an artist first and foremost.  As far as remaining popular into her dry rot years, she’s not concerned.  You see she recently had brunch with Sir Elton John and Sir Paul McCartney, and apparently Paul was so smitten with her because she actually writes her own music that he happily gave her the rights to legally change her name to Lady Madonna.”

First Look at Lady Gaga’s Lettuce Dress

Mumbai – Vegetarian Indian animal rights activists have asked Lady Gaga to forgo a meat dress and instead wear a dress made out of lettuce while she’s in town to help kick off the country’s first Formula 1 race this weekend.

A spokesperson from Gaga’s camp told us, “Of course we never intended for the Lady to wear meat in India.  We are well aware their religion holds the cows sacred.  But PETA has already done that lettuce dress to death.  No pun intended.  Naturally, we looked to the house of Alexander McQueen for the design for this special occasion.  We didn’t want to ignore the request to wear lettuce entirely, so as you can see, Gaga’s skirt is made of romaine.  Sort of an homage to Josephine Baker and her banana dance costume.  The belt is made of chili peppers, and her tie is celery, topped off by a cherry tomato choker.   The hat looks like a plate you'd see in a deli as a little shout-out to New Delhi where she'll be performing in concert. You can’t tell because her hair is blocking the view, but she’s also wearing a coconut bra.  We just need to have a dresser on hand to spray the lettuce with water regularly so it doesn’t wilt. Hey, you don’t suppose they have any Holy water over there? Gaga was raised a Catholic.  If not, Smart Water will do.”

Unsolicited Drivel Just Became Interactive!

Unsolicited Drivel now has an interactive feed in our comments section through the SendLoveTo system for you to interact with other readers, and express your opinion to vote celebrities and politicians up or down. Now if you want to check with other readers to see if they think Rick Perry fell asleep during a GOP debate, or if Lady Gaga has finally gone too far with fashion by wearing shelter puppies, you can!  Just click on the celebrity's picture in the comments link to voice your opinion.  Check it out!!

Britney Spears’ Ticket Sales Flatter Than a Starlet Without Implants

Sacramento, CA – Hit me baby one more time – with your wallet. That’s what Britney Spears’ management must be thinking this week due to dismal ticket sales of the pop princess’ “Femme Fatale” tour. Sales are in such a slump that tickets will now be featured via the bargain shoppers’ site Groupon!

Britney’s last two (comeback) albums have been well received, so why won’t the fans show up to see her in person?

We asked a music industry insider for comment who told us, “I can’t be sure, but maybe we have reached a point where fans want to see a singer actually sing during a live performance for the inflated ticket price.   It’s probably because they get to see singers actually sing for free all the time on nearly every TV channel. At least the ones that are supposed to still feature entertainment. The channels that make up fake news haven’t gotten into the singing competition business - yet.  If people want to just see a chick with a hot body writhe around on stage, they can go see a pole dancer off of the parkway, and do it for much less money. And that includes the singles stuffed into her g-string.   I think I’ve got to blame that over-achieving bitch Lady Gaga too for actually writing her music, playing her own instruments, singing and just raising the bar too damn high.  I guess that’s why fans don’t consider Britney dry-humping a guitar to be the equivalent of playing an instrument? Anyway, her people are hopeful the tour will sell out via Groupon. That site’s not just for Brazilian waxes and organic muffin baskets anymore. They offer plenty of other stuff. Besides, fans didn’t respond to the incentives of receiving a free give-away with their purchase like a Jamie Spears’ southern down home cooking video or Kevin Federline’s upcoming advice book on how to become a kept man.”

Lady Gaga’s Eggcellent New Décor

The British newspaper U.K. Mirror is reporting that Lady Gaga has decided to continue her incubating post Grammy Awards by sleeping in her egg every night.

Gaga is reportedly redecorating her NYC condo themed after her latest video “Born This Way” and claims she feels “at peace” when inside the egg she used to enter the awards show to perform her instant hit song.

A pal of hers told Unsolicited Drivel even more about her decorating plans adding, “The egg bed will also feature an electric compartment that will create the perfect egg white omelet for Stefani’s breakfast.  It’s low-carb dieting all the way when she’s touring – just eggs and Jameson’s.  She’s also going with an alien theme based upon the ‘Born This Way’ video with sculptures, wallpaper, and such.  She’s trying to get fellow rocker and self-proclaimed alien abduction victim Sammy Hagar  to make a recording simulating his screaming while they gave him the anal probe for her alarm clock, but he hasn’t responded to her Tweet yet.”

Lady Gaga Screaming ABOUT Ice Cream

London - While most of us scream for ice cream, pop star Lady Gaga is screaming about ice cream, as an ice cream parlor is featuring a variety called ‘Baby Gaga’ – and it’s made from human breast milk!

Attorneys representing the somewhat original singer have sent a letter to the owners of "Icecreamists," insisting they change the name of their supposedly delectable treat because it is "deliberately provocative and, to many people, nausea-inducing."

A source close to the offending retailer told Unsolicited Drivel, “Haven’t you seen reports on the value of breast feeding?  Most kids could probably skip grade school as a result.  Blimey!  That could save the U.K. government tons of money they don’t want to spend on citizens to begin with.  Regardless, it’s not like it's tinged with the scent of blood and semen like Lady Gaga’s perfume.  Talk about deliberately provocative and nausea-inducing?!?  And Freddie Mercury’s not crawling out of the grave demanding royalties over her stealing his lyric ‘Gaga’ for her stage name from his song Radio Gaga, and she’s not complaining about that little lassie in that 'Baby Gaga' video.  That kid on Youtube makes the tykes on the U.S. show Toddlers in Tiaras look like Buddhist nuns.  Does she have the copyright on the term ‘goo-goo gaga’ too?  Babies beware!  I mean, you know we are not going to hear a peep out of the ‘Lady’ as soon as the gay adult film industry comes out with their new feature Porn This Way before the end of the month.”

Was Lady Gaga’s Egg Designed to Appeal to a New Fan Base?

Los Angeles – Lady Gaga’s entrance to the Grammy Awards via her “rebirth from an egg” didn’t do all that much to excite her “Little Monsters,” but was Gaga really trying to build a new, more conservative fan base?  Word on the street is that her latest single, “Born This Way” has received a lukewarm reception from her supposedly die-hard fans and we wanted to find out for ourselves. 

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with one of Gaga’s gay male fans outside of the gym this morning for comment who told us:

“Uh, I believe it took her only 10 minutes to write that song, but she should have taken a cue from Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap and made that one ‘go to eleven.’  And I mean, I’m against bullying just as much as the next guy, but as a concept for shameless self-promotion, it’s soooooooooooo 2010, so Gaga writing an anthem of self-acceptance in 2011 just seems tired and clichéd.  And, if I want tired and clichéd, I’ll listen to Madonna, okay?”

Ouch.  Is Gaga losing her fan base?  We asked one of the singer’s pals for comment.  He told us:

“It’s just a minor setback.  The gays are very forgiving, and they’ll be back.  In the meantime, Stefani is building a new fan base via that egg routine.  She was trying to appeal to the Christians, showing that she didn’t evolve, but was a product of creationism and was being "born again."   I know technically she should have used a placenta, but we couldn’t get insurance to cover us if a back-up dancer was injured by slipping on the afterbirth.  Ever since ‘Spiderman’ those companies have become damn near impossible to deal with!”

Lady Gaga Still Catching Heat Over Meat!

Almost two full days after the Lady Gaga Awards, uh, we meant the MTV VMA Awards (still with too much Kanye & Taylor!), pop star/performance artist Lady Gaga is STILL receiving criticism over her dress she wore that appeared to be raw meat.  Gaga wore a dress designed by Franc Fernandez, and had the unique opportunity to have presenter Cher even fondle her meat upon her acceptance of an award for Queen of MTV.

After the show, Gaga tried to explain herself in an interview with non-threatening daytime media clown Ellen DeGeneres by insisting the dress was a political statement - as her government makes her feel like a peace of meat due to their oppression of her gay friends through the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.

Okay, we guess that makes sense.  However, that still did not keep vegans and vegetarians alike from expressing their distaste for the dress through organizations like PETA.  Even another group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals Yet Still Eat Animals, or PETAYSEA, hated it, as well as the group People Who Essentially Hate All People, or PWEHAP, who also took issue.

Can Lady Gaga please anyone with her fashion choices?  We at Unsolicited Drivel have decided to put our design skills to work to help her out!  We have designed this dress (below) made entirely of condoms for her.  This dress should please EVERYONE, with the exception of the abstinence only set who is crazy to begin with (and what are they doing watching MTV?).  Think about it – it will please BOTH her gay and straight fans who will be reminded artistically of the importance of practicing safe sex, AS WELL AS Lady Gaga’s harshest critics who hate the thought of her reproducing herself!  It’s a win-win.  Did we mention it's wash 'n wear? You can thank us later Stefani!!