Britney Spears to X-Factor – Imma Quittin’ This Bitch, Y’all!

Kiss mah funny face goodbye!

Los Angeles – America’s favorite pop tart Britney Spears is rumored to be leaving the next season of “The X-Factor” despite her $15 million paycheck.

A source close to the judge who made the most hilarious faces on the whole-note singing show told Unsolicited Drivel, “I know what you are thinking, Simon Cowell having bigger breasts than Brit made her jealous and drove her away. That is not the case at all. She's kind of given up on looking hot anyway.  Britney loves Simon dearly and she also loved to hear Demi Lovato’s stories about self-mutilation and eating disorders too and will consider those as a coping tactics next time she goes off her meds.  I wish I could tell you that she’s quitting to spend more time with her kids, Tater Tot and Sweet Pea if she's allowed to, or finally marry that manager of hers,  but she really just to wants to get back into the recording studio.  Even with bands like One Direction and Justin Bieber and Madonna’s recent tours, Brit’s worried there still isn’t enough music out there on iTunes that sounds totally and completely manufactured by greedy studio executives and she’s happy to comply to keep really cool, original bands like the Black Keys from sneaking up the billboard charts.  She feels it’s her civic duty actually.  You can quote me on that y’all.”

It's STILL Britney, Bitch!

I din' sign up for this y'all!

Los Angeles, Skeletons are rumored to be jumping out of the closet this week already before pop-tart Britney Spears' trial where's she's being sued by her former manager Sam (Osama) Lufti is scheduled to begin in his defamation suit against the once "not that innocent" Mouseketeer y'all.  This suit was filed as a result of her complaining about his management skills which included inspiring her to shave her head after a Frappuccino bender and beat paparrazi with a golf umbrella, and cruise around in a pink wig pretending to be a fake British person.  Good times.  Wish she had called us back in 2008 to hang out.

Anyway, the trial just became more potentially explosive when it was announced that a former nanny who took care of Spears' children (Tater Tot and Sweet Pea) for the half-hour per week she has visitation rights during her period of conservatorship, says she believes that Spears was a victim of mind control (when she wasn't already on mind-altering drugs).  Not really an interesting revelation as Brit's probably not had a fully functioning brain since that smarty pants Justin Timberlake kicked her to the curb.

The nanny, Ms. Torres, claims her motives are not financial (even though she's already allegedly signed a book deal with Arnold Schwarzenegger's shameless publisher), but that she just "wants the truth to come out and it WILL be shocking."  Unless we find out her dad chained her to a radiator force feeding her cheese grits or that Ms. Torres was forced to see Britney walk around naked with Cheeto dust accidentally smeared on her lady parts, we are really wondering about the sincerity of the "shocking" factor.

The trial is expected to last as long as the media is interested, but as part of that community ourselves, we at Unsolicited Drivel have to ask the American public once again to "leave Britney alone!!"  Do you know how much it costs to support an entire extended family of parasites?

Here's just a sampling of Britney's monthly expenses:

• $125,000 To keep ex hubby Kevin Federline away
• $19,000 Per month to rent the private dungeon her dad has (allegedly) been imprisoning her in
• $2,000 Monthly water bill (to not bathe) but maybe for the pool and super soakers for the kids
• $60,000 on hair extensions and grooming to remove that trailer trash funk
• $1,000 on gas to go to Starbuck's and back per month

And even worse than all of the clams she has to shell out every month, now she's forced to sit in the same studio with Simon Cowell's moobs (man boobs) on The X-Factor!!  Oh, the horror.  And it's not even Halloween yet!

American Idol May Have to Settle for Adele’s Baby for New Judge

Los Angeles – Once Queen of Whole Note Singing shows, American Idol, just canned two of its judges despite what you’ve heard. Steven Tyler was fired for being creepy without the funny factor like Howard Stern can pull off on America’s Got Talent, and Jennifer Lopez was given the choice between Idol and banging young gay back-up dancers for the tabloids full time – and we all know how J-Lo chose. Randy Jackson we have learned has had his butt skin grafted to his chair after all of these years and will be returning to Idol solely for medical reasons.

Rumors were swirling that the show was close to landing Mariah Carey as a judge, but her spokesperson/husband Nick Cannon, the man who is responsible to see that she makes more money than the Catholic Church, genocidal dictators and Saudi Royal family combined, said they couldn’t meet the singer’s financial demands. And Britney Spears has already been signed to warble-mumble out down-homey-non-threating-folky-talk on The X-Factor.

A behind the scenes insider on Idol told  Unsolicited Drivel of next season, “I know that you are hearing rumors about Aretha Franklin this morning, but Aretha’s been so secretive about her personal life in the past, that I cannot imagine how she would be able to handle the tabloid scrutiny. Taylor Swift cannot take time away from her national tour of smiling while bad-mouthing ex-boyfriends because it’s way too lucrative. In fact, we don’t have one current hot prospect at all and we are running out of time. We’re hoping at the very least that Adele will consent to letting us use her newborn baby at the judges’ table if she’s ready by the season debut in September. She won’t be jaded by the music industry yet and she’d would likely make more sense than say, Ke$ha waking up after a bender and being plagued with acid reflux.”

Britney Spears’ Ticket Sales Flatter Than a Starlet Without Implants

Sacramento, CA – Hit me baby one more time – with your wallet. That’s what Britney Spears’ management must be thinking this week due to dismal ticket sales of the pop princess’ “Femme Fatale” tour. Sales are in such a slump that tickets will now be featured via the bargain shoppers’ site Groupon!

Britney’s last two (comeback) albums have been well received, so why won’t the fans show up to see her in person?

We asked a music industry insider for comment who told us, “I can’t be sure, but maybe we have reached a point where fans want to see a singer actually sing during a live performance for the inflated ticket price.   It’s probably because they get to see singers actually sing for free all the time on nearly every TV channel. At least the ones that are supposed to still feature entertainment. The channels that make up fake news haven’t gotten into the singing competition business - yet.  If people want to just see a chick with a hot body writhe around on stage, they can go see a pole dancer off of the parkway, and do it for much less money. And that includes the singles stuffed into her g-string.   I think I’ve got to blame that over-achieving bitch Lady Gaga too for actually writing her music, playing her own instruments, singing and just raising the bar too damn high.  I guess that’s why fans don’t consider Britney dry-humping a guitar to be the equivalent of playing an instrument? Anyway, her people are hopeful the tour will sell out via Groupon. That site’s not just for Brazilian waxes and organic muffin baskets anymore. They offer plenty of other stuff. Besides, fans didn’t respond to the incentives of receiving a free give-away with their purchase like a Jamie Spears’ southern down home cooking video or Kevin Federline’s upcoming advice book on how to become a kept man.”

Britney Spears Visited by Child Services!

Radar On Line is reporting “exclusively” a full day after the Sun British tabloid reported “exclusively” that Britney Spears is being visited by child services to investigate possible abuse of her sons Sweet Pea and Tater Tot.  No, it’s Sean Puffy Preston and Jayden K-Fed James.  Or, whatever their names are.

Fernando Flores, the same bodyguard who alleged Britney sexually harassed him (she made him look at her naked!), has made these latest shocking charges.  He claims that back in March or April, Britney borrowed his belt to beat the boys and then made them eat sushi against their will or somethin’ like that y’all. 

While we can certainly imagine her dropping them on their heads at the drop of a hat, we have a hard time believen’ she’s been whoopin’ her youngin’s.  Although, some other things she could have subjected them to could be considered abuse and the likelihood of these situations could actually be believable...

Britney Spears' More Likely 

 Forms of Child Abuse:

Making kids test her Frappuccino to make sure it’s cool enough to drink   12%

Making kids check between her toes for any new signs 

of ringworm   17%
 

Making kids crumble Cheetos over her morning grits   23%
 

Making kids comb her weave and pick out nits   24%
 

Making kids watch video of her 2007 MTV VMA awards performance with the “Leave Britney Alone” guy edited in over and over again on a continuous loop   34%

From Pop Tart to Popsicle: Britney to be Frozen!

Is it cold in here?  A life extension foundation is claiming that Britney Spears has found out about their services and has decided to have her moneymaker frozen so that future generations can learn how it’s done when she thaws out.

Britney is said to be so enamored by the idea of freezing her body in liquid nitrogen cryogenically that she’s even investing in the firm specializing in it.

A pal stated, "she gets all kind of weird obsessions all the time and when she found out about how Walt Disney had done it, since she had been a Mouseketeer on the Mickey Mouse Club, that clinched the idea for her.  Brit found the whole thing so interesting she spent most of her Mother's Day researching it instead of playing with her kids. She first wanted to have her ashes turned into cubic zirconias to be sold on the QVC, but then decided instead to be frozen, and later revived.  She’s kind of done that already with her career before without even dying.    Of course, she’ll probably want to protect her porcelain skin from the nitrogen with a heavy layer of cheese grits first.”

UPDATE: The report by the fine Rupert Murdoch publication, The Sun, has now been debunked.  That also means that unfrozen caveman lawyer will not be handling Britney's divorce in the year 2525.