Facebook to Announce Super Cool New Gross-Out Application

TMI, bitch.

Palo Alto, CA - Due to the number of people posting gory details about their illnesses on Facebook, including pictures of their bloody pustulent wounds, broken bones poking through their skin, and gangrenous appendages pre-lop-off, a new site has started up to accommodate: ratemywounds.com allows people to post pictures of their illnesses and rate others' postings. The ratings go from the least offensive (1="eww") up to middling gross (5="ohmygod") with the highest ranking of disgustingness being (10="you look, you barf"). Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, aware of the competition, has stated that a Facebook App is being developed to compete. "The app will share your wound and allow you to search on wound types so you can find wound buddies" Zuckerberg stated. "The only downside is that it will share your entire FB profile with every medical company in the world plus put a picture of your wound on your friends' timelines."

Facebook Goes Down; Americans Unwillingly Forced to Work

U.S. of A. – The social networking site Facebook experienced an outage yesterday forcing the millions of Americans lucky enough to actually be employed to have get their work done after lunch.  It even forced some students to pay attention in class as they lost the ability to cleverly pass handwritten notes years ago. In fact, no one’s even really sure the youth of American can even write today with their hands – except for those urban graffiti artists who ain’t got no computers, yo!

The failure of Facebook was determined to be a caused DNS-related issues, resulting in the web site not loading for many people who can only pretend to have a fully formed personality from behind a computer, iPad or Smartphone keyboard lasted for possibly at LEAST 25 hellacious minutes (but not quite long enough to complete an overdue Excel spreadsheet)!

A 1% employer, J.P. Gluttonberg Green who runs a popular hedge fund he plans to rape financially someday soon, told Unsolicited Drivel, “We haven’t seen this much productivity in our office since the morning after the morning after the morning after the boys recuperated from their “March Madness” hangovers!!!  Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg!  I might have to take advantage of Facebook’s IPO diving off a cliff, buy most of it and make you my bitch.”