He's to Pope Francis! Person of the Year!!

Take THAT, Palin.  Caribou Barbie with only be on the cover of Time when she FAILS. AGAIN.

No Self-Respecting Cat Would be a Trump

(Via Tumblr/Vanity Fair)

Explosive Report Reveals How The Government Sequester Will Kill You

Victim of Sequester the Molester

London – A paper outside of America that none of us will ever read just published an explosive expose on the hidden costs of our government sequester and suggested that 98% of Americans should just bend over and kiss their “arses” (limey spelling) goodbye. So basically get your ASS to the bank or wherever and ask for what’s called “power of attorney” so you can have someone decide who will get your leftover catheters, your Nascar memorabilia, including your autograph from Dale Earnhardt, SENIOR, your pointed hood, gun collection, your “Don’t Tread on Me” flag, your secret homemade interracial porn video, your hair extensions, your “Bump it,"  fake fingernails, your trucker hat collection and any tickets you bought to the upcoming Monster truck rally should you suddenly perish.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with the reporter, Nigel Hogthorne from The Watcher, U.K. for the Cliff Notes version of the explosive report.  He told us, “Well I do say madam that you people are how you say?  Up shite’s creek without a paddle due to the current crop of politicians some of you rubes voted into office. There will be cuts to programs like Meals on Wheels for your seniors, for some of whom that is their only food source, people will be turned away for housing, which I assume will be really awkward for those in the southern states when they go to pitch a tent on someone’s lawn they may or may not have burned a cross on after one to eight too many beers. People will be refused cancer treatment. You're pretty much all going to die. Sorry. Now Britain can rise again!  Jolly good!! Anyhow, the reason you Americans didn’t notice all of the cuts is because your silly arses go into a blind rage as soon as you hear the words ‘cuts to defense spending.’ Basically, the only Americans whose lives will not change will be the millionaires, billionaires, and the Appalachian hill people and the swamp people of Louisiana because they live off the grid anyway.  And speaking of grids, power grids, enjoyed any good blackouts lately?   I must say your politicians have planned this very poorly. My only question is this. If they kill off the lower classes, who will pour their 12-year old scotch?”

Facebook Goes Down; Americans Unwillingly Forced to Work

U.S. of A. – The social networking site Facebook experienced an outage yesterday forcing the millions of Americans lucky enough to actually be employed to have get their work done after lunch.  It even forced some students to pay attention in class as they lost the ability to cleverly pass handwritten notes years ago. In fact, no one’s even really sure the youth of American can even write today with their hands – except for those urban graffiti artists who ain’t got no computers, yo!

The failure of Facebook was determined to be a caused DNS-related issues, resulting in the web site not loading for many people who can only pretend to have a fully formed personality from behind a computer, iPad or Smartphone keyboard lasted for possibly at LEAST 25 hellacious minutes (but not quite long enough to complete an overdue Excel spreadsheet)!

A 1% employer, J.P. Gluttonberg Green who runs a popular hedge fund he plans to rape financially someday soon, told Unsolicited Drivel, “We haven’t seen this much productivity in our office since the morning after the morning after the morning after the boys recuperated from their “March Madness” hangovers!!!  Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg!  I might have to take advantage of Facebook’s IPO diving off a cliff, buy most of it and make you my bitch.”