Nancy Grace Insists Nipple Was Not Trying to Emancipate Itself

On last night’s Dancing With the Stars, HLN host Nancy Grace had a “wardrobe malfunction” leading judge Bruno Tonioli to declare,  “How refreshing! That was the first 51-year old nipple we’ve had on the show!! No one could ever accuse us of being ageist like American Idol.”

The incident aired live on the East Coast and was later edited for the West Coast edition.  But the question on all of the viewers’ lips this morning was, “Did Nancy’s boob try to get away because it no longer wanted to be associated with her?"

A rep for Grace insists that was not the case, clarifying, “I know it’s easy to imagine with its proximity so close to Nancy’s heart of darkness that the entire breast would try and make an escape, but that was not the case.  Nancy didn’t show up for her latest fitting with costumers because she was too busy obsessing over how to get Joran Van der Sloot to date Casey Anthony and as a result the bodice on her dress wasn’t snug enough.  Just be glad it wasn’t her butt cheek.  I’m also relieved that her hair extensions haven’t melted from all of the steam that regularly comes out of her ears.”

"Dancing With the Stars" Announces New Shark Jumpers

Even though ABC cash cow "Dancing with the Stars" jumped the shark in not hiring “stars” as far back as the season with disgraced politician Tom DeLay, the Monday night staple announced its new, even lower-wattage cast last night for season 13.

The men’s team included: Actor David (and the voices of the drunk 14-year old boys inside his head) Arquette, LGBT activist (and person) Chaz Bono, the fashion guru (with shamefully under-styled hair) Carson Kressley, L.A. Laker Ron (please let me change my name to Metta World Peace even though I once punched a fan) Artest, Rob (I won’t have to wax as much as sisters for my skimpy costumes) Kardashian, and J.R. (thanks for canceling my day-job on "All My Children," you demented Disney mouse) Martinez.

The ladies team included:  HLN’s Nancy (tot-mom hater/would-be slayer) Grace, The Hills star Kristin (I’m not the one with 10 plastic surgeries, including the size ‘Z’ boobs) Cavallari, actress/talk show host Ricki (I ruined day-time programming before O.J. Simpson) Lake,  Wilson Phillips singer Chynna (the hot looking Chynna; not the big drunky wrestler Chyna) Phillips,  Elisabetta (I got to bang George Clooney until I used the ‘M’ word) Canalis and U.S. Women’s Soccer Team goalie Hope (not Han) Solo.

"Dancing With the Stars" was highly criticized last season for not having enough star-power and now it seems like nothing has changed with the choice of this new cast.  We reached out to ABC for comment and one producer told us, “Hey, cut us some slack.  We got Nancy Grace.  Acquitted murderess Casey Anthony can’t leave Florida as she’s still on probation.”

When we asked Chaz Bono if her famously outspoken liberal mother, superstar Cher, would be in the audience to lend support, Bono said, "I have no idea ... I'm sure she'll make an appearance.  Maybe once she finally recuperates from literally laughing her ass off over Bristol Palin’s 'Dancing' stint.”

Loyal Fans Fearful That TV's Nancy Grace’s Head Will Explode

Orlando, FL - Fans of scowling legal reporter Nancy Grace all were shocked at 2:15 pm (EDT) today when the Casey Anthony trial jury came back with a “not guilty” verdict in the first degree murder charge and have since been flooding the switchboard at HLN with calls of concern about Grace.

One fan of the former lawyer and cable TV talking head told Unsolicited Drivel, “Nancy’s bread and butter has always been baby killers. We worry that when she reflects upon the three years of her covering this case and Casey Anthony ultimately being acquitted of murdering her daughter Caylee, it might make Nancy’s blonde bob fly off and cover the camera lens so viewers can’t see when her head does in fact, explode – thus, bringing her show to an abrupt end and saddening all of her fans. It’s got to be a very difficult day for her as Joran Van Der Sloot is not currently in the news, so Nancy can’t even fall back on the satisfaction she probably got from calling him ‘urine’ on live TV.   I can only hope that she resumes her job negotiations with Fox News again, because were she with their network now, she would have been able to report that Casey was on her way to lethal injection today.”

Jury Selection Actually Gets Underway in Casey Anthony Trial

Clearwater, FL – Nearly three years after her toddler Caylee disappeared, the trial of hard-partying, alleged murderous mom Casey Anthony is set to begin this week.

According to perpetually enraged talking head broadcaster Nancy Grace, the trial has been moved to a secret location in Pinellas County that has one of the oldest demographics in all of Florida.

Public interest in the case mounted ever since Caylee was reported missing and reporters like Grace made it their business to report on the case 24/7, 365 days a year, even pre-recording special reports to run on a continuous loop while the broadcasters were sleeping.

A jury consultant told us, “Obviously, it’s going to be tough to find twelve impartial citizens to seat this jury.  The hope with choosing Clearwater is that most of these folks are so old that they never upgraded to cable TV and don’t have access to sensationalist news shows like Grace’s.  If I were on the defense team I would even suggest they try and have the prospective jurors identify a picture of Grace during voir dire.  I know once I got a look at the bitter, pinched mug on Grace, it was seared into my brain permanently.  If they answered with something like, ‘why does that strange woman look like she just sat on a tack? Or is it just a bad case of hemorrhoids?’ I’d seat them on the jury.  But if they are unsuccessful in Pinellas County, I anticipate the trial will be moved again.  Possibly to Louisiana, so that they can seat swamp people who have never even had access to electricity on the jury.  And that would only be because aliens from outer space are not an option.”