Tripp Palin is Already a Bigot

That didn't take long. Gosh, that family is hateful. At least we know he's guaranteed future employment at Chick-Fil-A.

Tripp Palin Calls His Aunt A "Faggot"

Bristol Palin Says, "You're Gay if You Don't Like My Mom"

NSFW!! Republicans picking on gays week continues with Devil spawn Bristol the Pistol.

Bristol Palin Heckler Video - Calls Sarah Palin Devil Whore Evil | Gossip Cop:

'via Blog this'

"Dancing With the Stars" Announces New Shark Jumpers

Even though ABC cash cow "Dancing with the Stars" jumped the shark in not hiring “stars” as far back as the season with disgraced politician Tom DeLay, the Monday night staple announced its new, even lower-wattage cast last night for season 13.

The men’s team included: Actor David (and the voices of the drunk 14-year old boys inside his head) Arquette, LGBT activist (and person) Chaz Bono, the fashion guru (with shamefully under-styled hair) Carson Kressley, L.A. Laker Ron (please let me change my name to Metta World Peace even though I once punched a fan) Artest, Rob (I won’t have to wax as much as sisters for my skimpy costumes) Kardashian, and J.R. (thanks for canceling my day-job on "All My Children," you demented Disney mouse) Martinez.

The ladies team included:  HLN’s Nancy (tot-mom hater/would-be slayer) Grace, The Hills star Kristin (I’m not the one with 10 plastic surgeries, including the size ‘Z’ boobs) Cavallari, actress/talk show host Ricki (I ruined day-time programming before O.J. Simpson) Lake,  Wilson Phillips singer Chynna (the hot looking Chynna; not the big drunky wrestler Chyna) Phillips,  Elisabetta (I got to bang George Clooney until I used the ‘M’ word) Canalis and U.S. Women’s Soccer Team goalie Hope (not Han) Solo.

"Dancing With the Stars" was highly criticized last season for not having enough star-power and now it seems like nothing has changed with the choice of this new cast.  We reached out to ABC for comment and one producer told us, “Hey, cut us some slack.  We got Nancy Grace.  Acquitted murderess Casey Anthony can’t leave Florida as she’s still on probation.”

When we asked Chaz Bono if her famously outspoken liberal mother, superstar Cher, would be in the audience to lend support, Bono said, "I have no idea ... I'm sure she'll make an appearance.  Maybe once she finally recuperates from literally laughing her ass off over Bristol Palin’s 'Dancing' stint.”

Wine Cooler Sales Surge Due to Leaked Bristol Palin Memoir

Not since the launch of Bartles & Jaymes with their two old geezer spokespeople has the wine cooler seen such a spike in sales as they have this week due to leaked details of Bristol Palin’s memoir.

In the upcoming book Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (working title: How to Bring Your Teenage Years and Any Potential Future Prospects of Fun to a Screeching Halt), Alaska’s former first daughter details how she lost her virginity to former flame Levi Johnston while drunk on wine coolers and didn’t remember a thing. And teens nationwide, that just assumed because of where Bristol hailed from that she was high on crystal meth when she got knocked up, breathed a sigh of relief at this news.

One teen couple that offered to be interviewed told us why they were now switching to wine coolers. The girl said, “I thought you had to weigh like 90 pounds to get drunk on those things to blot out reality, but one look at Bristol Palin proves that’s definitely NOT true!  I'm so glad too, because I never was able to get the nerve to throw up my meals.  But you know, if I did accidentally get knocked up while drunk, I don’t think if I found somebody to ghostwrite a book for me about my life, even if it was my true story, that I would detail for my baby to realize how his daddy was a cheating rat bastard who made me want to puke. If I could puke. And that would be my decision without considering if he'll even learn how to read.” Her boyfriend concurred, “It’s so much easier to get a girl drunk instead of trying to find out what her interests are to have meaningful conversations to develop a real relationship in order to get laid. Beer isn’t sweet enough for chicks and Robitussin is getting harder to come by thanks to suspicious pharmacists. Besides, neither works as well as wine coolers while disguised as Slushie or an energy drink.”

Republicans Gone Wild: Most Shocking Budget Cuts Edition!!

Washington, DC – Voters outside of Wisconsin, who haven’t felt the sting of buyer’s remorse yet after casting a ballot for an out and out class war last November, might not be paying close attention to the GOP’s not so secret “hit list” in their $60 billion spending cut proposal. 

Shortly before the Republicans begin their own version of “March Madness” with another veiled threat of a government shutdown looming, we bring you their greatest proposed fiscal hits.  The Democratic majority in the Senate voted down their diabolical plans, but here is where they proposed to cut Americans to the quick:

1) Natural Disaster Warnings
The GOP budget bill would strip the National Weather Service, the agency responsible for warning America about tornadoes, hurricanes, blizzards, fires, floods, Charlie Sheen appearances and even Tsunamis, of $126 million and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the folks who could have warned Japan about the 8.9 magnitude earthquake if the Japanese were lucky enough to be Americans, of $454.30 million.    We can only guess that the Republicans were relying on the fact that most Americans are pet lovers, and we would likely suspect something was strange about the weather when our dogs and cats started climbing up onto our rooftops or burrowing under the foundation of our homes.  Provided we had homes.  Americans living in the wealthiest zip codes could still rely on receiving a text message warning from FEMA.

2) Emergency Oil Reserves? What Emergency Oil Reserves?
It seems to be an unwritten rule that the crazier the dictator, the more precious natural resources the country he is terrorizing under his rule is in possession of - which their citizenry never reap the financial rewards for.  But we Americans can buy them!  However, as uprisings are likely to happen in oil rich nations as oppression gets pretty f’in old after a while, the United States keeps a Strategic Petroleum Reserve for emergencies so we can still drive ten yards for a McNugget.  The GOP budget plan was to cut $120.2 million from this oil supply, virtually guaranteeing an opportunity for gas prices to rise so high that Americans would have to choose between a gallon of gas and a gallon of milk at some point in the very near future.   Of course, if you are wealthy enough to hire a homeless person to transport you in a rickshaw (via Kramerica Industries), affordable gasoline is not a necessity.

3) No Fighting for Our Firefighter Heroes
Where's the fire? The Republicans planned to break the glass, pull out the ax and slash $510 million of the Federal Emergency Management Agency's grants for firefighters.  Very likely, some of the savings may have been reallocated to the people at FEMA who would be sending the text messages to the rich, entitled bastards about the coming Rapture (See: Budget cut #1) in lieu of national natural disaster warnings.

4) Emergency Responders Would Be Unable to Respond
To each other that is.  Mr. Counterterrorism Official sees a guy that would scare the crap out of Juan Williams leaving a smoking SUV in Times Square.  What is he to do?!?  Well, if Republicans had their way, he wouldn’t be able to warn the masses or request back-up via cell phone, as they planned for The Law Enforcement Wireless Communications Department to be relegated to using two Starbucks cups and a string via a $70 million budget cut.  Oops, terrorists just took out an entire Broadway theater!  Or, was that just the new special effects team on “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark?”  It would be hard for a first responder to tell the difference without wireless access to help gather info.

5) Bring Back the Banking Blinders
The GOP plans would once again turn a blind eye to banking blunders by cutting $56.8 billion from the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.  It is believed that lack of oversight caused the current financial meltdown which began (under Bush) in 2008.  President Obama wanted to increase funding to ensure non-predatory banking practices.  Under the GOP plan, even an amoeba could get a $750k mortgage provided it could show two forms of I.D. to the bank.

6) Less Time for Doing the Financial Crime
Republicans would cut $2.1 million from the crimes enforcement network at the Treasury Department.  That would translate to allowing hucksters like Bernie Madoff to come over to your house and have sex with your rare coin collection on your own bed, and then only receive a slap on the Rolex as punishment.

7) Just Put a Little Raw Meat On That Shiner Ladies
Are you a poor woman caught in an abusive relationship and can’t afford legal aid?  Sorry ladies, but $70 million dollars towards your freedom from abuse via legal protection would be gone if the GOP had their way.  So, just put a little raw meat on your black eye.  Can’t afford meat?  How about that meat-like stuff at the Taco Bell? This evil cut on the GOP’s part would have been a truly crushing step backwards to victims of domestic abuse, particularly as not every gal has low enough self-esteem to bang a moneybags like Mel Gibson.

8) Building a Nation of “Bristol the Pistols”
When it comes to showing compassion for their fellow humans, nothing makes a Republican get the warm fuzzies more than pining over an unborn fetus.  You betcha! That being said, the GOP proposed to cut $110 million from our communities for teen pregnancy prevention.  A nation of knocked up, unwed Palin-mommy wannabes - whoo, hoo!  It doesn’t get more backwards than that!

9) You Want Fries With That?
Sure the GOP can create jobs for limo drivers and caddies, but can they create other, non-service-related jobs for our kids?  The answer would be “No.”  Not while stripping the Department of Labor’s job core of $300 million in funding. Although the GOP may take partial credit for our kids ending up working behind the microphone at fast food restaurants, as they have about as much intention of reducing poverty as revealing their real tax returns, so they will be sending droves of Americans to the Diabetes Drive-thru.  However, as the GOP will not be eating at the restaurants themselves as the burgers are not made of prime Texas beef,  they can’t take TOTAL credit for fast food job creation.

10) Killing Them Baby Foreigners
Republicans are still under the assumption that “The Tourist” was big box office and Angelina Jolie can still afford to adopt every foreign kid in need.  Therefore, they proposed to cut $783.5 million from the USAID's Child Survival and Health Grants Program that works to fight against life threatening poverty.  They also made the argument that the tabloids are often right more often than wrong and that Jennifer Aniston was indeed in the foreign baby market, so what's the big deal?

So!  After examining these near catastrophes,  hopefully we can learn from our mistakes in the voting booth for next time.  Thankfully, these measures didn’t make it through the Senate, but the GOP goals are clearly to cut or regulate whatever they can.  So much for their disdain of “big government.”  Just be thankful I left out the part about them wanting to torture puppies in this article!

WikiLeaks: The Sarah Palin File

Well, we knew something was seriously up when Sarah Palin started slamming WikiLeaks. It made no sense that someone whose foreign policy experience was waving at Russia from her house would be so enraged over U.S. diplomatic secrets being leaked. So sure enough, it turns out WikiLeaks had a document about Sarah and the Palins.

Here is what we’ve found out about them so far:

- John McCain had no idea who she was prior to announcing her as his running mate. His staffers decided they needed a beauty queen for VP to counteract his icky old man funk and Palin was chosen after a drunken game of Einy Miney Mo over "that former Miss California that hates the gays.*"

- Palin herself did insist on the extremely pricey ($150k) campaign wardrobe (when Americans are starving) and also insisted that silkworms be flown in to custom create her outfits. However, silkworms from communist China were told they need not apply.

- Sarah can’t really see Russia from her house. In fact, she can’t even find it on a map. She also thought Vladimir Putin was maybe a cosmonaut or a spy satellite. 

- At speaking engagements, Sarah's bendy straws cannot ever be made of recycled plastic due to her uncontrollable fear of herpes.

- Sarah unsuccessfully tried to sue Snooki for violation of her intellectual property over the use of the Jersey Shore star's  “bump-it.”

- When unauthorized biographer Joe McGinniss moved in next door, the 14 foot fence Sarah claimed she had “Todd and his buddies” erect was really put up by Mexicans who crossed the border from Canada.

- Despite being a proponent of big oil and its obscene profits, and encouraging America to “Drill baby, drill,” in reality, Todd Palin secretly powers his snowmobile with recycled oil he used for frying corn dogs.

- Any fish viewers see Sarah catch on her reality show have been added to her hook by scuba divers. The big game she shoots has to be pre-screened to prove to be slow moving, depressed and suicidal.

- Sarah did blame Bristol for her losing the election and made her do “Dancing with the Stars.” Bristol did strike up a friendship with co-star Margaret Cho and was letting her baby-sit Tripp until she discovered Margaret was reading gay porn to her son instead of nursery rhymes for bedtime stories.

- Levi Johnston currently is allowed to see son Tripp via Skype only, unless he gets his own reality TV show for the Palins to be featured on.

- Pals conclude Sarah’s megalomania and greed can all be traced back her to losing out on the lead role of Eva Peron in a Wasilla community center production of “Evita.”


*Carrie Prejean.