Nicolas Cage Slowly Less Caged in by Tax Debt

Los Angeles – Formerly funny, then serious, then action star, actor Nicolas Cage, is slowly digging his way out of a $13 million debt to the IRS (with a jewel-encrusted spoon once owned by Henry VIII) after hiring an accountant with all of the brain power of maybe a lemming who took Nic along with him sailing over a fiscal cliff.
 
Unsolicited Drivel spoke with the vaguely creepy actor and he told us, “Uhhhhhh it’s like, true.  I paid the IRS back $600,000 this year.  It’s tough though because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I like to spend a bit of money.  I had to have the Home Shopping Network blocked from my cable.  I have exercised some restraint though.  Hey, I didn’t buy that really cool chandelier made out of Cro-Magnon men skulls I wanted, the actual Bugatti car that exotic dancer chick Isadora Duncan nearly snapped her head off in from the 20s, the Giant Panda comforter I wanted for my waterbed, a weather machine, or the flock of African penguins that I thought would look totally rad hanging by my salt water pool.  The good news is I’ve got a ton of film work lined up to get the G-men off my back.  Fans can look forward to Kick-Ass 3,4,5, & 6.  Then Ghost Rider 2: Still Totally Out for Vengeance and Even More Flaming.  Travolta and I are thinking about making a sequel to Face-Off, only this time we would switch brains.  We might bring back Con-Air and have the inmates parachute off while crashing the plane into the villainous Goldman-Sachs building to keep in tune with America's troubled financial times...which I can soooooo relate to.  And I’m also doing National Treasure 3 where we finally find that President Obama dude’s birth certificate.”

Nicolas Cage Confirms He’s a Vampire

A Civil War era photo on eBay has been generating gossip for the last week or so about the possibility that actor Nicolas Cage is a vampire, and now Unsolicited Drivel can confirm for our readers that it is true.

A rep for the oddball actor told us, “Nic and I discussed the issue at length and he decided it was time to finally fess up to his fans about his being the undead.  He almost got exposed earlier this year anyway when a voodoo priestess in New Orleans recognized his aura, so we figured, what the heck?  You may ask, ‘hey, I thought vampires weren’t supposed to show up on film, so what gives?’  Well, Nic had plenty of family money before his acting career started and he paid a scientist to develop a potion he could take that would make him visible while filming.  I can’t believe it took you people this long to figure it out, but then again, his performance in Vampire’s Kiss was panned by critics.  But, he’s always wasting his money on collecting weird, creepy stuff and his one kid dresses like a goth.  So I am confirming for you once and for all that Nicolas Cage is definitely a vampire.  That’s also how he’s been able to sustain an immortal movie career bomb after action-filled bomb.”