Washington Avoids Fiscal Cliff Jumping (Sort of)

U.S. of A. - In the wee small hours of the morning last night, while most of America was on Twitter complaining what complete douche-nozzles they are, our nation’s lawmakers finally came to an agreement to avoid sending America over the Fiscal Cliff™, a term Congress hired a boutique branding ad agency to come up with to scare America on the taxpayers’ nickel.

As most Americans felt like they were mind-f*cked over this last minute deal (kind of like not knowing if Santa is going to bring you a shiny new fire-truck to become your own DIY first responder, or a bag of reindeer poop because even Santa doesn’t buy into the lie of clean coal) our lawmakers were able to make a deal just in time for them to go on vacation. Just like magic!  President Obama, flanked by Vice President Joe Biden, trying not to show off his awesome dentures, clearly explained the compromise while most people were watching the second showing of Chelsea Lately with the allegedly slutty talk show host threatening to bang whomever she was interviewing.

We checked in with our Unsolicited Drivel readers for reaction to the deal and here is what they told us…

So taxes are definitely going to increase for everyone.  The middle class (or upper middle class) whom I'm told still exist, may have to pay upwards of $837 more per year.  I put that kind of money up my nose in a single a day as DC madam.   But I also understand that taxes will increase significantly for people making over $400K and COUPLES making $450K.  Why does Congress think my totally emasculated spouse is only likely to make $50K per year?  If I added him to my stable to service closeted GOP Congressmen, he'd be in my tax bracket too if he wasn't a kept husband.

We can't tell you what a relief it is that Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security are safe for now, even though Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin campaigned most of the year on the promise of killing old people.  We don't even have an ice floe to be led out to sea on now as the GOP denies climate change.  Plus, it was bad enough for us personally back in the 60s when they took time out from counting their money to try and prevent our interracial marriage.

So they increased the Capital gains taxes?  Like I'd have anything to gain if I sold my shit-ass stock in Facebook?!?   I can't believe I purchased IPO stock from some idea-stealing dork who runs around the boardroom in a hoodie.  Now if I had purchased stock in whatever companies make Angry Birds or Call of Duty Black Ops II and wanted to unload it to start a meth lab....well, then I'd be really fucking pissed.

While I couldn't be more pleased for the hard-working Americans that got their unemployment insurance extended, I'm still really bummed.  See I took this picture to upload to my my business website back in 2010, but as I am in the "other 98%" I still haven't been able to become a job creator as I don't hire limo drivers or public relations people to do damage control.  Maybe I'll buy a pawn shop as white girls don't like to work as maids for my cleaning service and I never learned to speak Spanish.

Thank goodness they got that farm bill extended.  I am too self-involved to breast feed my daughter and do you know how much cash it takes to maintain this "natural" blonde hair?  No way I was going to pay $8 bucks for a gallon of milk.  But as the government will still do nothing to regulate the hormones in it and little Emma will likely get her period by age 8, maybe I'll invest in the pharmaceutical company that makes the morning after pill?  Even with the capital gains increase, if she grows up to be a slut like mommy, it will still be a win-win.

So, let me see if I understand this sweetie...they didn't f*ck with some things to benefit honest Americans, but they did still f*ck us on other things and as soon as they come up with a new catch phrase for the next fiscal crisis they will inflict on the American people, we will go through this all hype and hysteria again about impending doom as soon as they are sworn back into office as that is how they stay in office?  Yes, dear, I think that pretty much sums up how our government works these days.

No vote at ALL on disaster relief for Hurricane Sandy?  Fungool!  I'm just going to wait for my orders from Governors Christie and Cuomo before I gas up the Lincoln for my trip to DC.

Feel Free...Jump!

This Must Be That Fiscal Cliff the Government Keeps Whining About

 



















And this is what I hear inside my head whenever our legislators talk about the aforementioned "fiscal cliff."

Nicolas Cage Slowly Less Caged in by Tax Debt

Los Angeles – Formerly funny, then serious, then action star, actor Nicolas Cage, is slowly digging his way out of a $13 million debt to the IRS (with a jewel-encrusted spoon once owned by Henry VIII) after hiring an accountant with all of the brain power of maybe a lemming who took Nic along with him sailing over a fiscal cliff.
 
Unsolicited Drivel spoke with the vaguely creepy actor and he told us, “Uhhhhhh it’s like, true.  I paid the IRS back $600,000 this year.  It’s tough though because I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I like to spend a bit of money.  I had to have the Home Shopping Network blocked from my cable.  I have exercised some restraint though.  Hey, I didn’t buy that really cool chandelier made out of Cro-Magnon men skulls I wanted, the actual Bugatti car that exotic dancer chick Isadora Duncan nearly snapped her head off in from the 20s, the Giant Panda comforter I wanted for my waterbed, a weather machine, or the flock of African penguins that I thought would look totally rad hanging by my salt water pool.  The good news is I’ve got a ton of film work lined up to get the G-men off my back.  Fans can look forward to Kick-Ass 3,4,5, & 6.  Then Ghost Rider 2: Still Totally Out for Vengeance and Even More Flaming.  Travolta and I are thinking about making a sequel to Face-Off, only this time we would switch brains.  We might bring back Con-Air and have the inmates parachute off while crashing the plane into the villainous Goldman-Sachs building to keep in tune with America's troubled financial times...which I can soooooo relate to.  And I’m also doing National Treasure 3 where we finally find that President Obama dude’s birth certificate.”