Earth Can Continue Spinning On its Axis: Princess Kate is Preggers!

Yay!  Windsor DNA!!

Jolly Old England – The Earth briefly stopped spinning at the news but quickly began to go about its business again after it was announced that Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton and are expecting their first child!

The Duchess was briefly admitted King Edward VII Hospital today in central London due to a bad-ass case of morning sickness that caused dehydration, which was a result of Kate trying to get her entire daily liquid supply from the one water biscuit she subsists on.

A butler at Buckingham Palace who will write a future tell-all book revealing Kate’s secrets told Unsolicited Drivel, “This will be the Queen’s third great grandchild and he or she will be an extra, extra special great grandchild because the baby will have Diana DNA!!  That means it will be guaranteed to keep the Royal family relevant and keep hoards of paparazzi employed for years to come.  Of course, the family will be happy with a boy or a girl for Wills and Kate, but personally, I hope it’s a boy. Goodness me!  At times I feel like I’ll go blind from looking at the royal ladies wearing all of those ugly arse Philip Treacy hats!”

What in bloody hell???

(Diana via Pinterest)

Pippa Middleton’s Ass Under Fire

Paris – A very shapely ass, which is attached to the Duchess of Cambridge’s little sis’ Pippa Middleton, was seen with a gun over the weekend and seems to have caused a real bang. According to Britain’s Daily Mail Telegraph Sun Tattler – who published the photos - Middleton’s ass was spotted with three (count’em - three) male friends in a convertible you likely can’t afford and one of the rowdy lads, the driver, allegedly pointed a gun at a photographer.

An insider who hacked a phone from one of the boys to obtain pictures of the joyride told Unsolicited Drivel, “Just imagine if Princess Diana had had a gun in that limo. She might still be alive today and we would be criticizing her ass via a wide-angle lens into her 50s! Anyway, the 28-year sister-in-law of Prince William could face charges. If Pippa’s ass, or as we like to call it – arse or bum - is found guilty, the real challenge may be not how it looks in a jumpsuit, but for the magistrate to resist the temptation to sentence it to time in the men’s prison instead of putting the ass in with the rest of the naughty girls in the women’s where it belongs!”

Prince William to Finally Wed?

London – Tina Brown, the biographer of the Princess of Wales, is reporting that Buckingham Palace has some dates blocked out for an upcoming mystery event.

Brown is speculating that June 3rd and June 4th have been cleared on the royals’ calendars for the BIG announcement that Prince William Arthur Beaufort William Philip Louis William Skywalker Frederic Cedric Arthur Wales Spencer Wales, or “Wills,” to you and me, will finally announce his engagement to Kate Middleton.  It is believed that the lovebirds could tie the knot in November, right before Wills is scheduled to begin his 3-year duty as a RAF search and rescue pilot at RNAS at Pukefort upon Cornwallis.

Unlike the splashy, June wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer, the Prince is more likely to follow in the footsteps of Queen Elizabeth, and have a wedding on a dreary, foggy, bone-chilling November day.  This would be in an effort to be respectful of the awful economic climate, as the serfs still have to fund the monarchy, whose duties include, but are not limited to – shaking hands.  The Queen even went so far as to take public transportation recently to make the point, “we’re all in this together, chaps,” as soon as her staff explained what public transportation was.

A Palace spokesperson declined to comment, but a future tell-all biographer, currently a butler, offered, “they’ve definitely cleared a wide mark of time.  And truth be told, the Queen’s nerves are a little on edge, as there is the fear that Prince Harry, not yet ready for the duty-bound royal life himself, might put a damper on the occasion with some explosive announcement of his own.  There are some that say he could possibly even debut a sex tape with him in a starring role romping with some porn star girl friends dressed as Nazis.”