Earth Can Continue Spinning On its Axis: Princess Kate is Preggers!

Yay!  Windsor DNA!!

Jolly Old England – The Earth briefly stopped spinning at the news but quickly began to go about its business again after it was announced that Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton and are expecting their first child!

The Duchess was briefly admitted King Edward VII Hospital today in central London due to a bad-ass case of morning sickness that caused dehydration, which was a result of Kate trying to get her entire daily liquid supply from the one water biscuit she subsists on.

A butler at Buckingham Palace who will write a future tell-all book revealing Kate’s secrets told Unsolicited Drivel, “This will be the Queen’s third great grandchild and he or she will be an extra, extra special great grandchild because the baby will have Diana DNA!!  That means it will be guaranteed to keep the Royal family relevant and keep hoards of paparazzi employed for years to come.  Of course, the family will be happy with a boy or a girl for Wills and Kate, but personally, I hope it’s a boy. Goodness me!  At times I feel like I’ll go blind from looking at the royal ladies wearing all of those ugly arse Philip Treacy hats!”

What in bloody hell???

(Diana via Pinterest)

Pippa Middleton’s Ass Under Fire

Paris – A very shapely ass, which is attached to the Duchess of Cambridge’s little sis’ Pippa Middleton, was seen with a gun over the weekend and seems to have caused a real bang. According to Britain’s Daily Mail Telegraph Sun Tattler – who published the photos - Middleton’s ass was spotted with three (count’em - three) male friends in a convertible you likely can’t afford and one of the rowdy lads, the driver, allegedly pointed a gun at a photographer.

An insider who hacked a phone from one of the boys to obtain pictures of the joyride told Unsolicited Drivel, “Just imagine if Princess Diana had had a gun in that limo. She might still be alive today and we would be criticizing her ass via a wide-angle lens into her 50s! Anyway, the 28-year sister-in-law of Prince William could face charges. If Pippa’s ass, or as we like to call it – arse or bum - is found guilty, the real challenge may be not how it looks in a jumpsuit, but for the magistrate to resist the temptation to sentence it to time in the men’s prison instead of putting the ass in with the rest of the naughty girls in the women’s where it belongs!”

Princess Diana Magazine Cover Creepy, But Not Creepy Enough

New York – Princess Diana would have been 50 years old on Friday, and Tina (I know the royals and will continue to exploit them until my dying day) Brown, editor of Newsweek, thought it would be a great idea to feature her on the cover with the new Duchess of Cambridge.

The July 1st issue features a shot of Kate Middleton walking with a Photoshopped Diana walking along side her, appearing at about the same level of youthful loveliness Diana possessed while alive, except wearing what appears to be an unstylish rattan placemat or a hemp-fiber hippie Frisbee on her head.

As the death knell continues to sound for print media, is this “what if Diana hadn’t been murdered by evil conspirators?” cover to be considered journalism? Many people don’t think so, including our media analyst who told us, “Well, it’s not as creepy as the fake Facebook page they set up for her, which insinuates she'd be watching Glee. I guess that’s because she was friendly with Elton John, but his Broadway career started after her untimely demise. Besides, everybody knows Duran Duran was her favorite band. You know, they really are a good band. Whatever. All I’m saying is that is NOT the way to attract younger readers when Newsweek’s usual demographic is either dying off or no longer able afford to subscribe due to financial ruin in Ponzi scheme. If Tina Brown really had her finger on the pulse of what’s hot with the 18-34 year-olds, she would have featured Princess Diana, but re-imagined as a zombie.”

Royal Biographer Dude Confirms He’s Already Got a Date to Humiliate Kate

Chichester-on-Selfishshire – Is writer Andrew Morton worth his salt? When it comes to cashing in on the misery of royals in the public eye, he certainly is.

Speaking via satellite on a vacuous morning show, biographer of Diana Princess of Whales, former President Clinton paramour Monica Lewinsky (J.A.P.rincess of Wails) and also Angelina Jolie (Princess of Hollyweird), Andrew Morton, confirmed he has many more books about the Windsors and particularly about Kate, in development.

He gushed, “it’s a relief that Wills is finally getting married to Kate Middleton as I was running out of ideas for books about Diana to rewrite history with. My sources at the castle have dried up, but I’ve already picked up a handy little tabloid booklet with tons of information that I bought on my last trip to the U.S. at a little corner store called the Royal Farms. It says here that Kate has already officially posed for a commemorative plate manufactured by someone named Franklin at a mint. And speaking of mint, I read her favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip. Of course, once she becomes an official royal princess, thanks to the critical tabloid press, she’ll only get to sniff the ice cream bowl in order to maintain her runway ready frame.  If she chooses to inhale, that is.   The only royal I can confirm is confident inhaling is Prince Harry.”