What Are You Doing With the Whopping 70 Cents You Will Save on Gas This Week?

U.S. of A. – Gas prices have dipped across this fine nation just in time to fill up the tank to get to those Osama Bought the (pot) Farm anniversary celebrations this week.  In many cases, prices have dropped as sharply as FIVE cents.  If the average gas tank for those who don’t have to drive a Secret Service mobile (which they drive because they are Secret Service agents, or just because they have a small weenie) is 14 gallons, many Americans are in for an economic surplus of 70 cents!  Every little bit helps, doesn’t it?  We were so excited by this financial windfall that we guessed our Unsoilcited Drivel readers would be too!  We asked them how they planned to spend their fun money and here is what they told us:

“I’m going to buy less than a third of a bottle of 5 Hour Energy so I can sort of get through the afternoon at my hellish job riddled with ruined, soulless ass-tards that I can’t afford to quit in this economy.”

“I’m always the responsible type.  What can I say?  So I suppose instead of buying a hand full of Mike and Ike's to serve as my only food source today, I will just use the money to pay off maybe 125,000^th of my student loan.”

“I think I'll have Mommy start me an investment portfolio in commodities like rice and beans. It’s starting to look like that’s all Americans will be able to afford to eat for years due to our reckless government's spending. By the time I can access my trust at 18, I should be more loaded than my diaper after a visit to Chuckie Cheese."

“Instead of spending it, I’m just going to fantasize that gas prices will come down enough one day so that I can afford a dollar for a lottery ticket, because I'm probably going to lose my medical assistant job if those crazy-ass conservative crackers* on the Supreme Court overturn Obamacare."

“Put it toward one of those bottom shelf airline size bottles of rum of course. You probably thought a thimble full of parrot food, but you thought wrong.  I'm a real bastard that way.”

*Excluding Justice Thomas.  He's just crazy.  He's not a cracker.

Stock Market Plunges on Speculation That the U.S. is Going Back to Being a Big A-Hole

New York – Stocks plunged yesterday with the biggest one-day drop since Wall Street took revenge on Main Street by demanding a bailout over two years ago, leaving many analysts fearing the U.S. is most likely headed for a double-dip recession.

The Dow Jones and Standard & Poors both had index drops of over 4%, a sign that investors have no confidence in the American economy growing, and that many even believe that it’s going in reverse.  Plus there’s lots of crazy stuff going on in Europe too with whatever they’ve done to f**ck up their economies without even declaring wars for no reason.

One financial expert told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was an unusual day for many speculators, but I can’t say I’m surprised after the way the U.S. government handled the debt ceiling crisis.  Over 70% of Americans feel it was handled very badly indeed, as in previous instances we never even heard the words ‘debt ceiling’ on the news, making us all long wistfully for the usual summer stories about tornadoes, shark attacks and babies falling into wells.  Investors showed their distaste by sending a message that they thought America was going to stop being a big A-hole after the ‘too big to fail’ bank bailout in 2008, but clearly we are back to being a big A-hole again by exhibiting such childish behavior on Capitol Hill.  This one-day drop on Wall Street is going to make it all that much more difficult for economic spin doctors to sell the word ‘recession’ when we have actually been in a depression for quite some time.  Hopefully for the White House, the pre-fix ‘double-dip’ will distract Americans because it reminds them of ice cream.”

('toon via Go Comics)

Americans Without Amnesia Polled Agree: Bush to Blame for Awful Economy

A new poll, conducted with people not in denial, shows the majority of those surveyed believe that George W. (I declare wars because I can) Bush is responsible for the country’s current economic shit-storm.  They are even more annoyed with him, than they are with the Democrats who control Congress, according to a Harris poll out this week.  31% Of adults believe that Bush deserves the blame for the recession, and the soulless, scum-sucking army of Satan disguised as Wall Street executives in Brooks Brothers suits received only 6% of the blame, amazingly.

Democrats blamed Bush and Republicans blamed Democrats.  They probably didn’t need a poll to deduce that part.  Republicans were split on identifying the most powerful figure in the GOP, as their views were dependent upon the latest news of the corruption and/or hypocritical slam to family values scandal of the day.

A pollster analyst offered, “The memory of the economic ruin that President George W. Bush brought upon this country still feels like a punch in the gut to most Americans.  A sucker punch.”  An economist offered this assessment, “History repeated itself as George W. Bush made the same mistake as Bush senior – he launched the recession a bit too late - so there was not enough time for him to take all of the credit for the inevitable recovery.  It also didn’t help that he had the lowest job creation record of any president, and the only jobs he did create were in Homeland Security.”

UPDATE: Editorial reply  (older video - but good relevant refresher course).