Senator Ashley Judd?

Say good night Mitch!

It’s not as far-fetched as one might think. We at Unsolicited Drivel have been speculating for over a month now that actress and native Kentuckian Ashley Judd will be challenging Senator Mitch “My only goal is to make Obama a one-term president (translation: f*ck you, constituents!)" McConnell for his seat in 2014. We may have only discussed Ms. Judd’s impending candidacy with the voices in our head, but now it looks like we will be finding out very soon that we were spot on. That is unless Ashley’s more interested in taking out Senator Rand Paul’s toupee in 2016.

A pal of the actress told us, “I know what you are probably thinking…that Ash dropped off the radar because the ‘woman in jeopardy’ movie genre is not currently popular outside of Lifetime TV. But that’s not the case. In addition to being very active in political and human rights causes she cares about, she also earned a Master's Degree in Public Administration, or how to run shit so peoples’ lives don’t turn to shit, from Harvard. If she runs…and I am not saying she IS, she will probably be EXTREMELY unlikely to...

 - Have lax safety standards for coal mine owners and let them murder employees via negligence.

- Marry a stupid, greedy diva.  Not Virginia Thomas - she's Supreme Court Justice Clarence’s bat- shit wife! Elanie Chao is married Mitch. Ms. Judd is married to a super hot race car driver.

- Hate the idea of sick and injured kids having access healthcare if their families can’t donate to her campaigns because their parents are poor.

- Oppose investments in infrastructure to repair things like bridges so already impoverished workers have to be burdened with learning how to fly to get to work.

- Dry-hump lobbyists for cold hard cash for her campaign.

 - Lastly…act like she f*cking loathes her home state of Kentucky!!

So my guess is if Ashley does decide to run, that Senator Mitch McConnell will finally be turtle soup. Plus, if Ashley’s stuck filibustering on the Senate floor it might be an excuse to get out of going to her sister Wynonna’s next wedding. ”

Cynical Lizard on First Monday in October:

What Are You Doing With the Whopping 70 Cents You Will Save on Gas This Week?

U.S. of A. – Gas prices have dipped across this fine nation just in time to fill up the tank to get to those Osama Bought the (pot) Farm anniversary celebrations this week.  In many cases, prices have dropped as sharply as FIVE cents.  If the average gas tank for those who don’t have to drive a Secret Service mobile (which they drive because they are Secret Service agents, or just because they have a small weenie) is 14 gallons, many Americans are in for an economic surplus of 70 cents!  Every little bit helps, doesn’t it?  We were so excited by this financial windfall that we guessed our Unsoilcited Drivel readers would be too!  We asked them how they planned to spend their fun money and here is what they told us:

“I’m going to buy less than a third of a bottle of 5 Hour Energy so I can sort of get through the afternoon at my hellish job riddled with ruined, soulless ass-tards that I can’t afford to quit in this economy.”

“I’m always the responsible type.  What can I say?  So I suppose instead of buying a hand full of Mike and Ike's to serve as my only food source today, I will just use the money to pay off maybe 125,000^th of my student loan.”

“I think I'll have Mommy start me an investment portfolio in commodities like rice and beans. It’s starting to look like that’s all Americans will be able to afford to eat for years due to our reckless government's spending. By the time I can access my trust at 18, I should be more loaded than my diaper after a visit to Chuckie Cheese."

“Instead of spending it, I’m just going to fantasize that gas prices will come down enough one day so that I can afford a dollar for a lottery ticket, because I'm probably going to lose my medical assistant job if those crazy-ass conservative crackers* on the Supreme Court overturn Obamacare."

“Put it toward one of those bottom shelf airline size bottles of rum of course. You probably thought a thimble full of parrot food, but you thought wrong.  I'm a real bastard that way.”

*Excluding Justice Thomas.  He's just crazy.  He's not a cracker.

Will Justice Thomas Get Benched?

Washington, DC – Progressive groups are sounding the call more loudly by the day for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to step down due to conflict of interest (translation: lining his pockets courtesy of corporate America).

Ever since being seated on the bench, Thomas has consistently ruled on the side of big business.  Not really a surprise considering a president with the last name of “Bush*” seated him, but sort of ironic considering how those rich white folks treated his ancestors.  He told America as much during his confirmation hearings.  However, the pickle he may be in now involves the political activities of his wife, Ginni, and how they pertain to Thomas benefiting financially as a result.

Mrs. Thomas, inventor of the Tea Party and the 7AM drunk dial, collected nearly $700k between 2003-2007 working for the conservative Heritage Foundation. When required to disclose this income on his Supreme Court records, Thomas checked the box labeled, “Uh, what?” and left it at that. Mrs. Thomas has also been very involved with the group Liberty Central, but there is no box that Justice Thomas is forced to check to label her as a delusional jerk.

While there is no way to know with certainty if Justice Thomas spent any of his wife’s money to download porn to his iPad or buy Coke Classic by the case at the Sam’s Club, there is evidence suggesting he took many gifts from one her political donors – Harlan Crow. Whenever there is a need for cash, Mr. Crow seems to be at the Thomas’ beck and call, including funding a library to honor the Justice in Savannah. It’s also believed that Justice Thomas received a bust of Abraham Lincoln from Crow and a Bible that once belonged to Frederic Douglass, which his wife almost made him turn down as it wasn’t autographed by Jesus. Ginni also did make it clear that she had no plans to bedazzle the bust of Lincoln with conflict diamonds, as she feared she might be confused with Callista Gingrich, but with less plastic hair.

Even if it cannot be proven that Justice Thomas spent his wife’s income, if he accepted lavish gifts from a right wing political donor it IS a conflict of interest for him to continue on the bench of the Supreme Court and he MUST be made to step down. We at Unsolicited Drivel believe there is a very distinct possibility that Thomas is in bed with wealthy conservatives and rolling around in their money as we snapped this candid shot of him last night at the yacht club down at Potomac River Basin:

*Not inventors of the art of corporate kick-backs to politicians, but masters of said art.

Clarence Thomas Re-confirmed As Perv

Washington, DC – Supreme Court Justice and deaf mute impersonator, Clarence Thomas, is facing allegations once again that he is a pervert.

Lillian McEwen, who used to date Thomas, has told the Washington Post that after she heard about the wacky phone call his wife Virginia made to Anita Hill, she decided to break her silence (while shopping a book deal?) and come forward to talk about their relationship.  She insisted that while Thomas never gave her any rufies (that she knows of), he was “obsessed with porn and large breasts” and would talk about porn films as if they were "Citizen Kane" to anybody within ear-shot.  He would also allegedly play “show and tell” with toys he’d pick up at the local sex shop. This bombshell revelation adds more weight to Professor Hill's accusations.  Besides, Anita Hill never came off as a vindictive, perjuring, hose-bag. 

If all of this is true, that means Justice Thomas LIED UNDER OATH during his senate judiciary committee confirmation hearings.  Unsolicited Drivel caught up with Vice President Joe Biden, then a Senator and head of the committee for comment, and he told us, “That’s a big f@!king deal!”  Former President Bill Clinton added, “Impeach that man!”

Virginia Thomas: Drunk Dialing Women's History?

Virginia (I invented the Tea Party before Dick Armey, but only after I got bored with religious cults) Thomas, wife of Justice Clarence, apparently called feminist icon Anita Hill over the weekend asking for an apology for her antagonistic role in Clarence’s Supreme Court Hearings.

Hill, whose accusations (19 f’in years ago) against Clarence Thomas basically created landmark laws regarding sexual harassment in the workplace, was unavailable to take the call as it came to her office, and college professors don’t usually work weekends when they could be out antiquing at a swap meet or at a poetry reading.  She told CNN, "I certainly thought the call was inappropriate.  I have no intention of apologizing because I testified truthfully about my experience and I stand by that testimony."

We at Unsolicited Drivel have to ask, “What the HELL was Virginia Thomas thinking?”  Seriously.  Was she DRUNK?  We KNOW she’s a coward (typical for a conservative) as she called an empty office, but what did she hope to accomplish?  Her husband was confirmed.  It’s not Anita Hill’s fault that a deaf mute would make more contributions to the Supreme Court than Clarence Thomas. 

Please(!) – feel free to comment on what you think Virginia’s objective was!?! (Unless you think it was to set women back to the early 60s.)