Rand Paul Makes Senate go Without a Stiff Drink for Over 12 Whole Hours

Please don't kill me...

Washington DC – Senator Rand Paul, R. – KY did what no U.S. Senator has done in a long time – keep DC lawmakers away from Happy Hour by starting a filibuster.

The longest record for filibustering came from Senator Stromm (I hate all ‘a you darkies ‘cept my secret love child. Why don’t you run along now, boy?) Thurmond, at 24 hours and 18 minutes rambling about the south rising again into a “machine,” or microphone.

Paul was speaking on the nomination of John Brennan as director of the Central Intelligence Agency and opposing Obama’s newest plan to spy on Americans by sneaking tiny heat proof microphones onto the lids of their lattes. If they say anything suspicious, a camera will be inserted onto the latte lid and if they have olive skin and a dark, shaggy, beard and seem like your run-of-the-mill "non-combatant," they’ll get a visit from “Dronefeld.” That’s the killer government machine’s codename.  The CIA are getting their training as Baristas as we write this.  Paul spoke from the Libertarian view of civil liberties, i.e., "the government shouldn’t be able spy on me when I’m planning my own murder-by-assumption."  Just before some of the Senators' DTs kicked in, Paul suddenly concluded he had to take a poo, ended the filibuster for the Senate, and proudly walked to the marbled, gilt-tinged bathroom and fantasized about producing “clean” some coal.

Hillary Clinton Goes Ballistic Over Some Guy Named Ben Ghazi

A very different kind of hot flash.

Washington, DC - Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was in the hot seat on Capitol Hill this morning to testify about the security breaches that led to the embassy attack in Benghazi, Libya to commemorate 9/11™ this year. 

When reached for comment, most of America replied, “I thought this was all about a guy named Ben Ghazi and I’m pretty sure he lives in Detroit. Why does Senator John McCain look like he forgot to take his laxative again? He's still not as hot as that Sarah Palin.”

Regardless, Secretary Clinton made it perfectly clear she doesn’t like to be in a room filled with grumpy old white dudes. Ignoring the loss of life on U.S. shores, she basically told the Senate hearing, “Go f*ck yourselves. People died. I know you cannot list my accomplishments because you have ‘girl goggles’ on, but I wouldn’t look like I would need the next four years at a spa to recover after I leave DC if I was just sitting around with my thumb up my ass like you dorks? You think John Kerry looks like Herman Munster now? Well imagine that in DOG YEARS!?! I'm not even sure you guys are human. Jury's still out on that one.”

Senator Rand Paul told Clinton, “If I weren’t planning my son’s defense for current and future drunk driving charges, or fantasizing about poisoning Kentucky ground water, I would have fired you little lady. Yessum.”   Senator Ron Johnson said, "I'm here to bitch-slap you for Wisconsin because Paul Ryan is too creepy."  Senator John McCain said, “I thought we were here to talk about people getting off of my lawn?”